Beginner Frustration after Thirteen Years

This is a stream-of-consciousness post that I wrote last week during a moment of writing angst. Revisions to my current WIP are taking longer and have been more difficult than I expected, which prompted this outlet into a different form of writing. 

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Ten years. thirteen years. I lose track. I have to count them up every flippin' time. It is about thirteen years. In any case, it is over a decade since I started writing original fiction. YET I STILL FEEL LIKE A BEGINNER.

Story building. Conflict. Character construction. perspective. the art of prose. Just laying words on the page. All of it is still so... immature. I read it and it is half-baked. 

I'm not talking about first draft material. First draft material is crap. It is always crap. I don't mind if the first draft is crap. I'm talking about fourth draft material.

The fifth book of my Journey to Chaos series is in its fourth draft. To be precise, it is the second rewrite of the fourth draft. The first version of the first rewrite collapsed in on itself about 2/3 of the way through. I realized that the story I had written could not sustain itself. So many errors, it was like rotten wood. I had to create a second rewrite, which is something I've never had to do before.  Did I mention this was my fifth book? 

My fourth book was also a disappointment. I re-read it now and I'm amazed I published this thing. Maybe "horrified" is the better word. Maybe I'm over-reacting. I don't think it is a bad story, but poorly executed. It's like I published the second draft. 

I saw myself as getting better with each book. I think the second is better than the first and the third better than the second. Then I come to #4. Now I'm struggling with #5 in a way that I haven't before. Was I just lucky with earlier books? Am I only now, after thirteen years, developing actual skill as a writer? 

When I read the work of superior authors, I was happy to see how much better they were. I could learn by example. It was a mindset of "I'm new at this, so I will learn from those older and more experienced". Now, thirteen years later, how can I still see myself as new? 

I thought I'd have more books written and published by now. I have so many plots that I want to write, yet I remain in my first series. I want to finish this series so I can move on, but if I look to horizon then I stumble on the stones in my path. I don't want to put out another stinker, especially not two in a row. 

I'm not a professional author. I do it in my spare time. I have a day job. The amount of time I have to write before I die of old age is already limited. Yet so much of it is lost on rewrites, overhauls, and extra drafts because I lack skill, or awareness, or even the capacity to plan.

Planing has never worked for me. I want to plan events and story lines so I can be more efficient and avoid so much rewriting. Yet, it has never worked. The actual writing is never what happened on the outline (maybe not "never" but rarely).

Thirteen years, and four books. Now I'm writing this blog post. 

It hurts, somehow to see better storylines, better direction, better execution. It's like "I see how they did that, I know how it works, so why can't I do it myself?" Or maybe it is like "how did I not see that over thirteen years? Have I been a blind man stumbling through all this time, and just now actually seeing?"  That would be luck. 

Maybe I should be glad that I do notice those things. If I were to remain blind, I would not see how bad my writing is, and it would remain so.
Hey
I just remembered a quote. "it is far better to light the candle than to curse the darkness". Quote Investigator says this is originally part of a sermon from William L Watkinson. 

That is what I should focus on.

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Adding this part to the end of each post has become a non-thinking habit. But this time, adding it makes me feel better.

Brian Wilkerson is a independent novelist, freelance book reviewer, and writing advice blogger. He studied at the University of Minnesota and came away with bachelor degrees in English Literature and History (Classical Mediterranean Period concentration). His fantasy series, Journey to Chaos, is currently available on Amazon as an ebook or paperback.