Glen Sheerwood asked me to review his book "Past, Present and Nowhere". It's about this pop star who writes a song saying that history is pointless and the problems this causes. I will examine plot, characters and polish and then assign a grade.
If you see a term That's Written In Caps within this review and wish to read about it, go to Tvtropes.
PLOT
The conflict here is basically three people trying to convince the Protagonist, Jack Davril, to renounce his history bashing song.
I'm a history buff. I have a bachelor's degree in World History. I like the idea of basing a plot on a History Is Cool aesop and I think using a pop star as its messenger is a better idea than using some other profession, like a teacher. It's more relevant to kids. So I have some good things to say about this book.
Mr. Sheerwood has certainly done his research. That is something I appreciate.
1. The Tolpuddle Martyrs
-A proto labor union in 19th Dorest England.
-Banished for such a grouping (technically for swearing oaths to each other for the purpose of the grouping. See, I'm learning more stuff already!)
-Inspired one of the first successful political marches in the UK
I didn't know any of this and I now I can look into them further.
2. Steam Engine Controversy.
-Three people were involved with developing the steam engine and its applications.
-There's a "discussion" about whether or not one of them stole the idea from another.
-I looked this up and I found it interesting as well.
3. John, King of England, and other names
- "Softsword" and "Lackland".
- demonization (intentional and otherwise) of people in history by reporters and historians.
-The damage this can cause to people and family lines
There are others but those are the ones that stand out for me. All of the above are thoroughly integrated into the fabric of the story. It never feels like an Info Dump or a job for Mr.Exposition. It's like teaching through a novel instead of a textbook. It's an appealing and successful technique but it's diluted by trying to drag in other demographics.
-There's a romance between Jack and Jane that feels like Strangled By The Red String.
-There's a battle scene that feels awkward and pointless.
-There's lots of running around and avoiding a villain.
It's a good plot but my problem is how Mr.Sheerwood goes about it.
Considering that proving History to be relevant is the core of the story, you'd think there would be a big focus on history. Instead, it's only snippets, fun facts, sprinkles on ice cream. The biggest attraction here is a heavy-handed guilt trip.
Jack's first impression to this group is Wat scaring with sarcastic clapping and threatening him. Thus, he is predisposed to disbelieve anything they say. After that they make a poor attempt at making history personally relevant to him (This guy invented electricity which is why you can use a microphone.) and quickly transition into a guilt trip. (All these people died so you can live a better life!) Guilt doesn't work on self-absorbed teenagers who consider themselves victims.
All this time they're talking about being "on the edge of government" and that his song is "treason". They don't show him badges, paperwork, uniforms or even tell him which branch of government they supposedly work for. It's so bare-boned and pathetic that it's no wonder Jack gives them shit for it. The truth, while more improbable, at least has some meat on it.
I have several problems with the truth of this "treason" accusation. They are spoilery but for the sake of complete analysis I will go into this in full.
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1. Hypocrisy
-The Other Place claims to have a higher appreciation for life because they've all died, yet they condemn an entire Line (a string of reincarnations numbering in millions) because one of them was a murderer, a suicide, or committed a vaguely defined "treason".
-Jack claims that the past doesn't matter and one should live in the present but he's lived in the past ever since his dad died of a heart attack. Also, he reaches for the memory of his dad in hard times and often flashes back to points in his memory.
-The three historical figures trying to convince Jack that History matters aren't truly interested in the past either. They're concerned about the present (people in Jack's Line, people they know and live with, dying because of him) and about the future (the people in Jack's Line that will never be born because of him).
-John's motivation for all his actions is that he is remembered as a villain when he claims he ruled as a "true king". Yet he kidnaps people, tortures them, kills them and takes great pleasure in all of this. If he wasn't evil in his previous life then he certainly is now.
2. Space Whale Aesop
Instead of saying that "history is cool" the message is undermined by several things
-Don't trash history because you're trashing your previous incarnations, i.e. yourself.
-Don't trash history because you will kill your precious incarnations, i.e. yourself.
-History is cool because your previous incarnations can give you Instant Expert status in the things they worked for.
3. Bogus Nature of the Trial
-It's a Kangaroo Court because the defendant is not present nor aware of the trial that could lead to his Cessation of Existence. I feel like the verdict was made before the court began.
-I also get the feeling that they don't care about his song. This whole "Condemnation of Lines" thing began as a solution to overcrowding. Everyone that dies goes to The Other Place and it is the same size as Earth. Thus, they condemn Lines as a means of population control. They started with murderers, then moved into suicides, and finally into "treason". I feel that eventually they will reach jaywalking.
While the book's conflict is resolved the ending is a cliffhanger. John appears at Jack's home and puts a knife to his throat. That has nothing to do with the premise. It feels like a lame The End Or Is It? A goading cliffhanger.
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CHARACTERS
Jack is thoroughly unlikable. He is a self-absorbed and pretentious teenager (even if he's older than that, he sounds like it) who considers himself a victim.
-He bemoans how alone he is and how no one understands him despite legions of adoring fans and a tight friendship with his band. One member of the band is practically his brother because they've been friends since childhood and his family took Jack in after he ran away from home. They disappear from the narration once the plot proper starts.
-He likes bringing up the two months he lived on the street because he ran away from home. This leads into his mother blaming him for his father/her husband's heart attack. This is why he doesn't like history; his own history is painful.
-Also, for someone that doesn't like history he knows a good chunk about it, such as Henry VIII establishing the Church of England to annual his divorce, the basics of the British Empire, and a little bit about the Gunpower Treason. Instead of saying "History doesn't matter" he should be saying "historical people are assholes".
-When the Three Historical Figures finally come clean and tell him that they want him to renounce his song to spare the people in his Line, he can't rely on his "the past doesn't matter" excuse anymore. Instead, he says he doesn't want to look stupid. Here's the direct quote from the book. In my PDF, it's page 56
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<I looked at him. "There's no way I'm standing in front of millions of people and saying, 'sorry, made a mistake'. How stupid will I look? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
That's right. The lives of millions of people are less important than his desire to avoid looking stupid.
Jane is alright. She's the most sympathetic person here, and certainly the most honest and straightforward. I feel like there was supposed to be a Defrosting Ice Queen thing with her, but it's so minor that I feel like I'm imagining it. I enjoy the times she puts Jack in his place.
I get the sense that she's playing Good Cop Bad Cop with Wat, because he's an aggressive jerk. I can only assume friendship is the reason they're helping Cal because neither of them seem passionate about history. In the end, she's basically eye candy for Jack and he's a brute.
I don't buy that Cal is King Arthur but I'm willing to give Mr.Sheerwood a pass on this. I don't buy it because he doesn't have the trappings of King Arthur, and the difference between his "real" life and his myth is a key sticking point in his character.
Likewise for the minor historical characters like Robin Hood and Cu Culian. After being dead for hundreds or thousands of years, and living up through history to the modern era, Character Development is inevitable. However, I still find it odd that they would commit suicide because King Arthur says so.
POLISH
There are no spelling or grammar errors.
This story is written in first person narration. At first I like this because Jack has a strong and distinctive personality. In fact, when I was on the fence about reviewing this book, reading his narration in the amazon preview pushed over into the "review it" side. However, the more I read the more I came to dislike his narration. There's so much whining, and bitching, and hypocrisy, that the story itself became difficult to finish.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "Past, Present and Nowhere" a D-
Click here for the next review Request: Blood for Gold: The Fatal Tome
Click here for the previous review request: "From Fairies and Creatures of the Night, Guard Me"
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Answering Review Request: "From Fairies and Creatures of the Night, Guard Me"
Daphne du Bois, writing as Emily de Courcy, (pename) asked me to read her book "From Fairies and Creatures of the Night, Guard Me". It's an anthology of seventeen fairy tale style stories. I will examine plot, character and polish and then assign a grade. I will not examine each one because that would make this review too long.
PLOT
This anthology is like a Shared Universe in one volume. All the stories take place in the same verse, either explicitly by sharing characters or implicitly, by sharing setting or mechanics. (The exception is the Beowulf Prequel, but I'll get to that in a minute). It's interesting to compare and contrast.
Many stories have this low energy humor. She refers to it as "witty repartee". In the story, "Something Rich and Strange", for instance, there's a human woman bantering with the Erlking (I.e. King of the Fairy Realm) over coffee in a café. "The Bridge" has this same woman talking with a traditionalist troll. The narration has him ranting about troll politeness and how rude humans have become over the ages, while she responds to him like he's her human classmate.
These stories revel in a lack of awe and wonder at the supernatural. "Of Ice Pixies and Wine Casks" sees the Erlking dealing with a infestation of Ice Pixies in his castle. Penny snarks at him and is roped into helping. Despite the fantasy setting, characters, and magic, it's quite mundane. That's where all the humor comes from. I would call it "Comical Low Fantasy".
Even "The Barely Seen World" where a wizard describes at length the many marvels of the Hinterland Market, the physical location (more accurately, what it appears to be) is a flea market. This same story also mocks the grandiose; the real thing doesn't have to make noise. In fact, the flashier a thing is, the more likely it is to be fake.
There's a running theme of Living Forever Is Awesome. The long lived races of the Hinterland go about business as usual for centuries on end. The humans who become immortal generally don't mind. It's just day-to-day life. When a vampire starts Wangsting about eternity, Death herself tells him to cheer up. I find this refreshing. It also adds to the humor. Wulf (the troll from the Bridge) dislikes how impolite the modern era is because he was in the previous eras. It sounds like someone's grandfather reminiscing about the Good Old Ways.
Because this is an anthology of short stories, there is no "ending" so to speak. Some stories are self-contained, some look like the beginnings of larger tales, and some are a mixture of both.
I have two complaints about this anthology
1. Odd Friendship template
Many stories have as their basis an Odd Friendship between a human and a supernatural creature (or as in "Pumpkins", an earthly supernatural creature and a deity) that engage in witty banter and mundane activities. Near the end of the volume, it gets stale.
2. Beowulf Prequel
This story claims to take place in Heorot before Beowulf arrives. The time period is the same but everyone has been replaced with immature teenagers from the late 20th century. The silly humor becomes stupid, there's not the slightest sense of supernatural at all (mundane or not), and the wit from other stories is replaced with whining. It's so distinct that I feel like someone else wrote it.
CHARACTERS
Being an anthology, there are few consistent characters. Some of them have more meat on them than others, fully fleshed out, engaging etc. Others are more like walking plot props that enable the story to function.
An example of the former is Penny. She is a human college student and is present in three stories. What I like about her is her wit combined with her sense of "do not care". She's what you call an Unfazed Everyman. She's more impressed with the Erlking's (otherwise mundane) violin than the Erlking himself, a being of magic that rules the supernatural Hinterland. When a troll (living under a campus bridge) tries to steal her lunch, she smacks his clawed hand and goes back to reading. She's always interacting in this nonchalant style that's fun to read.
An example of the later is the wizard in "Market". One can only assume things about his personality because little time is spent developing it. He's just there to explain how the Hinterland Market works to Olympia. Ironically, she has more of a personality than him despite being a soul-less automata whose individuality her creators deliberately hobbled to make a bigger profit.
POLISH
I caught perhaps 2 or 3 spelling/grammar errors. Nothing major.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "From Fairies and Creatures of the Night, Guard Me" a B+
Click here for the next review request: "Past, Present and Nowhere"
Click here for the previous review request: "Angeions"
PLOT
This anthology is like a Shared Universe in one volume. All the stories take place in the same verse, either explicitly by sharing characters or implicitly, by sharing setting or mechanics. (The exception is the Beowulf Prequel, but I'll get to that in a minute). It's interesting to compare and contrast.
Many stories have this low energy humor. She refers to it as "witty repartee". In the story, "Something Rich and Strange", for instance, there's a human woman bantering with the Erlking (I.e. King of the Fairy Realm) over coffee in a café. "The Bridge" has this same woman talking with a traditionalist troll. The narration has him ranting about troll politeness and how rude humans have become over the ages, while she responds to him like he's her human classmate.
These stories revel in a lack of awe and wonder at the supernatural. "Of Ice Pixies and Wine Casks" sees the Erlking dealing with a infestation of Ice Pixies in his castle. Penny snarks at him and is roped into helping. Despite the fantasy setting, characters, and magic, it's quite mundane. That's where all the humor comes from. I would call it "Comical Low Fantasy".
Even "The Barely Seen World" where a wizard describes at length the many marvels of the Hinterland Market, the physical location (more accurately, what it appears to be) is a flea market. This same story also mocks the grandiose; the real thing doesn't have to make noise. In fact, the flashier a thing is, the more likely it is to be fake.
There's a running theme of Living Forever Is Awesome. The long lived races of the Hinterland go about business as usual for centuries on end. The humans who become immortal generally don't mind. It's just day-to-day life. When a vampire starts Wangsting about eternity, Death herself tells him to cheer up. I find this refreshing. It also adds to the humor. Wulf (the troll from the Bridge) dislikes how impolite the modern era is because he was in the previous eras. It sounds like someone's grandfather reminiscing about the Good Old Ways.
Because this is an anthology of short stories, there is no "ending" so to speak. Some stories are self-contained, some look like the beginnings of larger tales, and some are a mixture of both.
I have two complaints about this anthology
1. Odd Friendship template
Many stories have as their basis an Odd Friendship between a human and a supernatural creature (or as in "Pumpkins", an earthly supernatural creature and a deity) that engage in witty banter and mundane activities. Near the end of the volume, it gets stale.
2. Beowulf Prequel
This story claims to take place in Heorot before Beowulf arrives. The time period is the same but everyone has been replaced with immature teenagers from the late 20th century. The silly humor becomes stupid, there's not the slightest sense of supernatural at all (mundane or not), and the wit from other stories is replaced with whining. It's so distinct that I feel like someone else wrote it.
CHARACTERS
Being an anthology, there are few consistent characters. Some of them have more meat on them than others, fully fleshed out, engaging etc. Others are more like walking plot props that enable the story to function.
An example of the former is Penny. She is a human college student and is present in three stories. What I like about her is her wit combined with her sense of "do not care". She's what you call an Unfazed Everyman. She's more impressed with the Erlking's (otherwise mundane) violin than the Erlking himself, a being of magic that rules the supernatural Hinterland. When a troll (living under a campus bridge) tries to steal her lunch, she smacks his clawed hand and goes back to reading. She's always interacting in this nonchalant style that's fun to read.
An example of the later is the wizard in "Market". One can only assume things about his personality because little time is spent developing it. He's just there to explain how the Hinterland Market works to Olympia. Ironically, she has more of a personality than him despite being a soul-less automata whose individuality her creators deliberately hobbled to make a bigger profit.
POLISH
I caught perhaps 2 or 3 spelling/grammar errors. Nothing major.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "From Fairies and Creatures of the Night, Guard Me" a B+
Click here for the next review request: "Past, Present and Nowhere"
Click here for the previous review request: "Angeions"
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Blog Tour: Final Ragnarok part 1 She Returns (Draconica Book 3)
There's a second post this week for Dan Wright's blog tour. "She Returns", the latest book in his Draconica Series. Today, I'll share an interview I did with him concerning this story.
2. Your website talks about the manga influence on your writing style. Is there any author or story in particular that influenced your newest saga?
3. Promotional teasers (https://www.facebook.com/groups/662548250494148/678038482278458/?notif_t=group_activity) state "even heroes can die". Can readers expect a higher death toll in this next arc? Will it be Darkier and Edgier than your previous work?
4. Have you planned this three part saga since "Trapped On Draconica?" If so, would you recommend starting from the beginning?
5. In the previous story, Man In Shadow was a Hidden Agenda Villain. Will he step out of the shadows in She Returns?
6. The last two books state that Dronor, a major dragon god, wishes to create a race of dragon-human hybrids. So far, only Daniar has succeeded in giving birth to a new Dragonkin. Will these two plot threads play a role in Final Ragnarok?
7. There's now a Draconica wiki. Tell us about that.
1. "She Returns" is the start of
the "Final Ragnarok" storyline, tell us about it.
Final Ragnarok is something that was
foreshadowed at the end of Legacy of the
Dragonkin, and also mentioned in some of my other Draconica prequel/spin off novels. Without giving too much away,
Final Ragnarok is an event that will impact massively on the world of Draconica
and our heroes. It’s quite possibly the most epic of all the stories I’ve
written so far.
2. Your website talks about the manga influence on your writing style. Is there any author or story in particular that influenced your newest saga?
The manga inspired Blazblue video game series was actually a huge inspiration for most
of the storylines and new characters that are to be introduced. But I’d
actually say that the biggest inspiration, believe it or not, was Doctor Who, as every series would
foreshadow a big event that the Doctor would have to face and that would be
something that kept the fans guessing as to what happens. This was something
that I was trying to do – but also setting up for what I hope to be an
explosive ending to the series. Oh yeah, I should mention that Final Ragnarok will be the one that ends
the Draconica series after this.
3. Promotional teasers (https://www.facebook.com/groups/662548250494148/678038482278458/?notif_t=group_activity) state "even heroes can die". Can readers expect a higher death toll in this next arc? Will it be Darkier and Edgier than your previous work?
Most definitely. I won’t say too much as I
don’t want to give spoilers – but let’s just say that a few people I gave the
ARC to for reviews have threatened to kill me for what I do to some of their
favourite characters. J
4. Have you planned this three part saga since "Trapped On Draconica?" If so, would you recommend starting from the beginning?
I try to make my novels standalone as best
I can, so that you don’t need to read anything beforehand to understand what’s
going on. Certainly, elements from Trapped
on Draconica and Legacy of the
Dragonkin will come back in this book – but I think new readers will be
able to pick it up pretty quickly and understand what’s going on.
As to how long I’ve been planning this,
it’s actually an idea that I had whilst writing Trapped on Draconica, but I originally scrapped it for being too
dark. But since Game of Thrones
became popular, I decided to go for a darker tone for this one. That’s not to
say that it’s totally reliant on shock value – more like this book is my The Empire Strikes Back.
Also, in regards to it being three part, it
will now be a two part saga. I had originally envisioned it as three parts, but
I think it will do just as well with two parts to it.
5. In the previous story, Man In Shadow was a Hidden Agenda Villain. Will he step out of the shadows in She Returns?
The Man in Shadow will definitely have more
of a central role to the story. He’s what I consider the centrepiece of the
whole saga. This book delves a little deeper into his psychology and you get a
slightly better understanding as to why he does what he does. I say slightly
better – the next book will reveal the truth about him. And I am really looking
forward to the twist I put at the end.
6. The last two books state that Dronor, a major dragon god, wishes to create a race of dragon-human hybrids. So far, only Daniar has succeeded in giving birth to a new Dragonkin. Will these two plot threads play a role in Final Ragnarok?
Again, I don’t want to say too much for
spoilers, but certainly at least two of the Dragonkin will play a vital role in
this story. How vital you’ll have to read to find out. However, what I will
tell you is that Daniar and Zarracka Dragonkin go through the toughest changes
in this story. Previously we have had Daniar as the pure and good girl whilst
Zarracka has been the pretty nasty, scheming witch. This time round, you’ll see
sides of them you never expected. What I have planned for Zarracka is something
I’m especially proud off.
7. There's now a Draconica wiki. Tell us about that.
Wiki’s have been something that has always
interested me. I follow a lot of wikis for shows I like and it’s helped me
create this one. Originally, I had this whole history for Draconica and the
countries, races, etc – but could only fit so much in one book. This wiki was
created to create more backstory for the world of Draconica and let me put in
stuff that I couldn’t put into the main novel – at least not without padding it
out. It’s kinda like my version of The
Silmarillion and something that people can read if they want to know more about my
world.
Final Ragnarok: She Returns (Draconica Book 3) is available for purchase on Amazon for 99 cents.
For other books in the Draconica series, see "Trapped On Draconica" (reviewed here and given an A+ and "Legacy of the Dragokin" (reviewed here and given an A)
The link for it is here: http://trappedondraconica.wikia.com/wiki/Trapped_On_Draconica_Wiki
Final Ragnarok: She Returns (Draconica Book 3) is available for purchase on Amazon for 99 cents.
For other books in the Draconica series, see "Trapped On Draconica" (reviewed here and given an A+ and "Legacy of the Dragokin" (reviewed here and given an A)
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Answering Review Request: Angeions
Inspirius Mwanake asked me to review his novel "Angeions". It's about a group of holy super soldiers preventing their treacherous comrade from releasing a group of fallen angels. I will examine plot, character, and polish and then assign a grade.
Starting with this review, I'm going to add a disclaimer that states "If you see a term That's Written In Caps within this review and wish to read about it, go to Tvtropes".
PLOT
The book starts out boring and cliché. Nixion sees the Girl Of My Dreams and then moves into Good Morning Crono for a brief school thing. When he meets the girl in person, he gushes about her beauty for the rest of the scene. Personally, I think it was a poor attempt at Audience Surrogate, and fortunately, it does not last.
Nixion disapears and Aella, the girl in question, takes over as the protagonist. Thus, the next hundred pages or so are fun, engaging, and interesting. There's time for fighting without Nixion's commentary, exposition about the main characters and world building for the setting.
Aella is an "angeion" which could be called a holy Trans-Human or Super Soldier. She has been empowered by Theos (God) to wield holy power and fight "the Dark" which is basically demons and devils and such. This book is more focused on fighting other angeion who have fallen from grace and their nephilim (half angel) mooks.
Aquarius and the Aurel family want to release a group of fallen angels called "The Forsakers". This group betrayed Theos by stylizing themselves as gods (the Greek gods specifically) and tainting their aura with the power of Diablos (Satan). Because of this, Theos Sealed their Evil In A Can a thousand years ago and the plot's conflict is Aella and her family preventing anyone from opening this can.
As long as Aella is the viewpoint character, the plot makes sense and I enjoy reading the story. This highlights the flaws in the other viewpoints.
Nixion has no personality to speak of. It's basically "Aella is amazing" over and over again. Aquarius has a pity party going on mixed with a temper tantrum. There's this big stretch in the first half of the book where only Aella is the view point character and that is my favorite part for that reason.
My other favorite part of the book is the mechanics of magic in this verse. To be an angeion is two have two basic abilities: release one's aura/spirit and absorb energy from natural and supernatural sources. Faithful Angeion like Aella can draw directly on Theos' power by reciting scripture. I like how this works because instead of a "send a Bolt of Divine Retribution upon my enemies" sort of thing, it's a "give me the strength to overcome this challenge" Super Empowering sort of thing. It's a balance between godly omnipotence and human determination. It also reminds me of Luke 17:5-6: "If you have faith as great as a mustard seed, you can tell this mulberry bush 'uproot yourself and move into the sea' and it will obey you." It's like that but crossed with shonen anime style fighting.
The final battle is long. It's about half the book. Lots of stuff happens and it is mostly interesting but Arc Fatigue sets in eventually. Aella's fight with Nixion drags on and on, also like some shonen anime style fighting. Other problems I have with the final battle include a incomplete Messianic Archetype for Aella (unusual given the setting) and many cases of What Happened To The Mouse for both the heroic and villainous sides. It feels like Mr.Mwanake forgot about them and/or was in a rush to finish the story.
The ending is a Ganiax Ending. It is confusing. I suspect Mr.Mwanke is going for an "artsy" tragic or ambivalent ending. The other possibility is a Goading Cliffhanger, which I despise even more.
There are numerous story flaws here. All but one of them directly involve Nixion. This is a heavy spoiler section so if you don't want that, skip down to CHARACTERS.
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Nixion is the Amaranth, a Macguffin Boy that's needed to unlock the Dramaticus, which is the can that the evil angels are sealed into. He has no idea about this and none of the Angeion do either, initially. My problems with this are many:
1. Someone so important should have some kind of protection.
2. Why didn't anyone notice him before now?
3. If he is also Andreas, Kat's long lost brother from the 18th century New Orleans, than how did he end in Africa as Nixion? What does this mean about his family?
4. If Aella found out instantly, as she claims, then why doesn't she do more to protect him? She goes off to investigate a suspicious noise and that leads to him getting captured
5. If he is so important, why does Gal-el tell Aella not to worry about him? This question becomes more important when Aella considers the possibility that Theos sent her the vision that led to meeting him in the first place.
6. Why doesn't Aella tell him about this stuff during their six month date? Surely she has matured enough in one thousand years that she can put aside frolicking enough to tell Nixion some crucial facts. The nature of the forsakers, the truth about nephilim, her plan to escape and take him with her and then, when she can no longer do so, telepathically explain the situation to him as he leaves so Aquarius can't poison him against her.
7. If Aquarius' plan was to win over this crucial pawn to his side, why did he kidnap the boy and put him in a dungeon? He should gone with the soft sell straight off instead of isolation.
8. After fighting Nixion a couple times (and generally holding the upper hand) Aella decides to give up. She apparently forgets about her plan to subdue and bind Nixion so she can explain things later, and instead decides to let him kill her. I get the Messianic Archetype thing, but it falls flat in Aella's case because her aura is the third seal on the Dramaticus. She is not being selfish by preserving her own life. I see no reason why she couldn't block/dodge Nixion's dagger and then recite her letter. This leads to the End Of The World As We Know It.
I spoke with the author after writing this review, and many of these come down to In Mysterious Ways, The Evils of Free Will/Helping Would Be Kill Stealing and Poor Communication Kills.
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CHARACTERS
Nixion is a void. The first few pages serve only to paint him as an Everyman rather than as an individual. After meeting Aella, his narration is filled with how beautiful she is; whole paragraphs about her skin or hair etc. He is a passive character all the way through, first Aella pulls him by his heart and then Mirena by his penis. His lack of intelligence is shocking. He swallows Aqaurius' lies easily despite spending six months with Theo's leading superheroine. He doubts that Theos exists after watching Aella use holy power to kill half-angels. One can't blame mind control because he knows how to resist it. Afterwards, one could replace most of his dialogue and much of his narration with "kill Aella because I think she betrayed me" and none of the plot would change.
Aella is a great character. On Tvtropes, we'd call someone like her a "Lady of War" because of her Proper Lady demeanor and graceful fighting style. She has the strong and active will necessary to drive a story of this nature. She quotes scripture and then beats down on demons and thus she's not a stereotypical action girl. She jokes around with her family. She has certain flaws like vanity and being too serious, but these make her a more well rounded character. Her only true flaw is a case of Love Makes You Dumb around Nixion.
Aquarius is the villain here. Releasing the Forsakers is his Evil Plan. The problem is that I don't know why he wants to do this. He hates Zen Aurel, the leader of the Forsakers, because he was raised as an agent of Theos. According to flashback, he was a nice guy before he learned the truth about his heritage. The only information he has about Zen personally is that he is an abusive husband. Yet he wants to release this guy because he's mad at Theos for letting that guy be his father. Even if this is the case (It's stated a couple times that Theos is micro managing the universe), rebelling against Theos turns him into the very thing he hates.
POLISH
The first copy I received was rife with spelling and grammar errors. It also looked like it was fed through an online translator. Also, the prose looked immature and sloppy, like it was written by a teenager. I received a second copy when I was 3/4 finished with the book. That fourth was a significant improvement on the other three so I assume the first 3/4 of the second copy are cleaned up as well.
It's a first person narrative yet it shifts viewpoint frequently. By the end of the story, five people have had their turn at narrating. Since it shifts by chapter and three of these five people only have one turn, it is not jarring. In fact, if it were not for one of these shifts, one of my favorite scenes in this story could not happen. It's Hannora's turn during the final battle. It wouldn't have had the same impact through Aella or Nixion's eyes.
I spent more time than usual thinking about the grade for this one. I hovered between C+ and D+. I enjoyed reading it, that much was certain, thus the +. What I debated was whether this book's virtues outweighed it's flaws. In the end I decided that it was no where near as bad as another book I gave a D to and therefore did not deserve to be put in the same category.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "Angeions" a C+
Click here for the next review request: "From Fairies and Creatures of the Night, Guard Me"
Click here for the previous review Request: "Within Ruin"
Starting with this review, I'm going to add a disclaimer that states "If you see a term That's Written In Caps within this review and wish to read about it, go to Tvtropes".
PLOT
The book starts out boring and cliché. Nixion sees the Girl Of My Dreams and then moves into Good Morning Crono for a brief school thing. When he meets the girl in person, he gushes about her beauty for the rest of the scene. Personally, I think it was a poor attempt at Audience Surrogate, and fortunately, it does not last.
Nixion disapears and Aella, the girl in question, takes over as the protagonist. Thus, the next hundred pages or so are fun, engaging, and interesting. There's time for fighting without Nixion's commentary, exposition about the main characters and world building for the setting.
Aella is an "angeion" which could be called a holy Trans-Human or Super Soldier. She has been empowered by Theos (God) to wield holy power and fight "the Dark" which is basically demons and devils and such. This book is more focused on fighting other angeion who have fallen from grace and their nephilim (half angel) mooks.
Aquarius and the Aurel family want to release a group of fallen angels called "The Forsakers". This group betrayed Theos by stylizing themselves as gods (the Greek gods specifically) and tainting their aura with the power of Diablos (Satan). Because of this, Theos Sealed their Evil In A Can a thousand years ago and the plot's conflict is Aella and her family preventing anyone from opening this can.
As long as Aella is the viewpoint character, the plot makes sense and I enjoy reading the story. This highlights the flaws in the other viewpoints.
Nixion has no personality to speak of. It's basically "Aella is amazing" over and over again. Aquarius has a pity party going on mixed with a temper tantrum. There's this big stretch in the first half of the book where only Aella is the view point character and that is my favorite part for that reason.
My other favorite part of the book is the mechanics of magic in this verse. To be an angeion is two have two basic abilities: release one's aura/spirit and absorb energy from natural and supernatural sources. Faithful Angeion like Aella can draw directly on Theos' power by reciting scripture. I like how this works because instead of a "send a Bolt of Divine Retribution upon my enemies" sort of thing, it's a "give me the strength to overcome this challenge" Super Empowering sort of thing. It's a balance between godly omnipotence and human determination. It also reminds me of Luke 17:5-6: "If you have faith as great as a mustard seed, you can tell this mulberry bush 'uproot yourself and move into the sea' and it will obey you." It's like that but crossed with shonen anime style fighting.
The final battle is long. It's about half the book. Lots of stuff happens and it is mostly interesting but Arc Fatigue sets in eventually. Aella's fight with Nixion drags on and on, also like some shonen anime style fighting. Other problems I have with the final battle include a incomplete Messianic Archetype for Aella (unusual given the setting) and many cases of What Happened To The Mouse for both the heroic and villainous sides. It feels like Mr.Mwanake forgot about them and/or was in a rush to finish the story.
The ending is a Ganiax Ending. It is confusing. I suspect Mr.Mwanke is going for an "artsy" tragic or ambivalent ending. The other possibility is a Goading Cliffhanger, which I despise even more.
There are numerous story flaws here. All but one of them directly involve Nixion. This is a heavy spoiler section so if you don't want that, skip down to CHARACTERS.
SPOILER
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Nixion is the Amaranth, a Macguffin Boy that's needed to unlock the Dramaticus, which is the can that the evil angels are sealed into. He has no idea about this and none of the Angeion do either, initially. My problems with this are many:
1. Someone so important should have some kind of protection.
2. Why didn't anyone notice him before now?
3. If he is also Andreas, Kat's long lost brother from the 18th century New Orleans, than how did he end in Africa as Nixion? What does this mean about his family?
4. If Aella found out instantly, as she claims, then why doesn't she do more to protect him? She goes off to investigate a suspicious noise and that leads to him getting captured
5. If he is so important, why does Gal-el tell Aella not to worry about him? This question becomes more important when Aella considers the possibility that Theos sent her the vision that led to meeting him in the first place.
6. Why doesn't Aella tell him about this stuff during their six month date? Surely she has matured enough in one thousand years that she can put aside frolicking enough to tell Nixion some crucial facts. The nature of the forsakers, the truth about nephilim, her plan to escape and take him with her and then, when she can no longer do so, telepathically explain the situation to him as he leaves so Aquarius can't poison him against her.
7. If Aquarius' plan was to win over this crucial pawn to his side, why did he kidnap the boy and put him in a dungeon? He should gone with the soft sell straight off instead of isolation.
8. After fighting Nixion a couple times (and generally holding the upper hand) Aella decides to give up. She apparently forgets about her plan to subdue and bind Nixion so she can explain things later, and instead decides to let him kill her. I get the Messianic Archetype thing, but it falls flat in Aella's case because her aura is the third seal on the Dramaticus. She is not being selfish by preserving her own life. I see no reason why she couldn't block/dodge Nixion's dagger and then recite her letter. This leads to the End Of The World As We Know It.
I spoke with the author after writing this review, and many of these come down to In Mysterious Ways, The Evils of Free Will/Helping Would Be Kill Stealing and Poor Communication Kills.
SPOILER
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CHARACTERS
Nixion is a void. The first few pages serve only to paint him as an Everyman rather than as an individual. After meeting Aella, his narration is filled with how beautiful she is; whole paragraphs about her skin or hair etc. He is a passive character all the way through, first Aella pulls him by his heart and then Mirena by his penis. His lack of intelligence is shocking. He swallows Aqaurius' lies easily despite spending six months with Theo's leading superheroine. He doubts that Theos exists after watching Aella use holy power to kill half-angels. One can't blame mind control because he knows how to resist it. Afterwards, one could replace most of his dialogue and much of his narration with "kill Aella because I think she betrayed me" and none of the plot would change.
Aella is a great character. On Tvtropes, we'd call someone like her a "Lady of War" because of her Proper Lady demeanor and graceful fighting style. She has the strong and active will necessary to drive a story of this nature. She quotes scripture and then beats down on demons and thus she's not a stereotypical action girl. She jokes around with her family. She has certain flaws like vanity and being too serious, but these make her a more well rounded character. Her only true flaw is a case of Love Makes You Dumb around Nixion.
Aquarius is the villain here. Releasing the Forsakers is his Evil Plan. The problem is that I don't know why he wants to do this. He hates Zen Aurel, the leader of the Forsakers, because he was raised as an agent of Theos. According to flashback, he was a nice guy before he learned the truth about his heritage. The only information he has about Zen personally is that he is an abusive husband. Yet he wants to release this guy because he's mad at Theos for letting that guy be his father. Even if this is the case (It's stated a couple times that Theos is micro managing the universe), rebelling against Theos turns him into the very thing he hates.
POLISH
The first copy I received was rife with spelling and grammar errors. It also looked like it was fed through an online translator. Also, the prose looked immature and sloppy, like it was written by a teenager. I received a second copy when I was 3/4 finished with the book. That fourth was a significant improvement on the other three so I assume the first 3/4 of the second copy are cleaned up as well.
It's a first person narrative yet it shifts viewpoint frequently. By the end of the story, five people have had their turn at narrating. Since it shifts by chapter and three of these five people only have one turn, it is not jarring. In fact, if it were not for one of these shifts, one of my favorite scenes in this story could not happen. It's Hannora's turn during the final battle. It wouldn't have had the same impact through Aella or Nixion's eyes.
I spent more time than usual thinking about the grade for this one. I hovered between C+ and D+. I enjoyed reading it, that much was certain, thus the +. What I debated was whether this book's virtues outweighed it's flaws. In the end I decided that it was no where near as bad as another book I gave a D to and therefore did not deserve to be put in the same category.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "Angeions" a C+
Click here for the next review request: "From Fairies and Creatures of the Night, Guard Me"
Click here for the previous review Request: "Within Ruin"
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Answering Review Request: "Within Ruin"
Darrel Drake asked me to read his dark fantasy "Within Ruin". It starts off as this king searching for a cure to a plague with his amnesiac queen and a couple servants, and then it becomes much different. I will examine plot, characters and polish before assigning a grade.
WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD! WARNING!
There is a major Reveal around the halfway point that radically changes the plot and colors everything that came before hand. It would be difficult to write this review without spoiling the story's true nature. Also, numerous factors came together to make the final grade complicated and so I will go into detail in order to make my feelings understood. Thus, everything below PLOT could be a spoiler. If you don't want anything spoiled, skip to the POLISH section.
PLOT
My opinion on the plot is mixed and complicated.
Battles are good. Here the elaborate style of writing adds to the sense of epic scale. It's not some vulgar bar brawl, but a poetic dungeon duel. There's one battle in the second half of the book that I particularly like. It is Virgil and Descarta vs Bromymr the earthfolk king.
This battle is a crystallization of one of the essences of fantasy. You have a sword and sorcery battle couple fighting this giant rock golem. There's this sense of teamwork, trust, confidence, and the writing builds up well to the climatic clash. I could see it animated in my mind as it happened.
While many emotional/romantic etc. scenes are over-wrought and melodramatic, there are also scenes that are genuinely touching.
-Descarta returns to Virgil's Mad Scientist lair after five years of traveling. Both of them seek forgiveness from the other for their own reasons but at the start, Virgil thinks he's talking to a hallucination. It's a lovingly broken image. The reconciliation afterward ultimately becomes sweet after these two work out their self-worth and guilt issues.
-Hafstagg going Over Protective Dad for Descarta because he spent five years raising her after she left Virgil. It's a sweet scene because it hints at what happens in the skipped over five years and also because they had a relationship that didn't have any kind of obsession or deception, i.e. healthier than any other relationship in this story.
There's also a lot of funny stuff. Basically, any scene with the elf twins is likely to be funny because they are funny characters. My favorite is their ditty about brioche (a french pastry). As I write this review, it's stuck in my head.
As for the plot itself, I have to go into more detail. First of, I like plots that can grow beyond their premise. If nothing more happened than what the blurb contained, then the story would be dull and predictable. Those are not adjectives I'd use to describe this story.
The plot comes in two parts, technically two and a minor.
1. Journey for the cure
1.5 Reconciliation between Descarta and Virgil
2. Rescue the Elf Twins
When the plot opens, King Virgil of Elusia is going on a journey for a cure for a plague that's ravaging his kingdom. He takes with him his amnesiac queen, Descarta, because if two monarchs ask for help then the request will be given more weight. His human steward and his twin elfin wards go as well. They travel across the countryside, fight assassins, and encounter supernatural creatures.
This is the start of a fantasy novel. I don't want to say "typical" or "bog standard" because those have negative associations in literary circles. The opening plot for this book is not original but neither is the coming shift. At most, it's a perspective flip. You see, Virgil is not looking for a cure to the plague in his kingdom. This is because he created both it and the plague itself.
An evil overlord causes great suffering for his people and stirs wars with his neighbors in order to gather supernatural components so he can resurrect his dearly departed loved one. I'm sure some of you reading this have heard of a similar plot before. In other cases, the purpose of this is make the villain sympathetic and give him a reason for the evil he has done. The heroes stop him regardless but acknowledge that he was a good man driven to insanity by his love. In this case, the evil overlord is the protagonist and there are no heroes to stop him. Thus, he succeeds.
Before I go further, I must provide context
Virgil is five centuries old and used to go by the name of Kalthused. His queen, Ankaa, died during a war and he spent those five centuries working on a plan to bring her back. To do this he needed to create an artificial body and then plug her soul into it. This second goal requires a great deal of souls so he spread a magic soul catching web over the Continent and caused up all manner of trouble to increase the death rate and drive souls into the web. Three years before he had enough souls, one of his artificial bodies came to life. This happened without his action and against his wishes.
This is where my plot problems start. I'll begin with the magic system.
1. It's called "weaving" because it involves manipulating The Fabric, which is something between a Background Magic Field and an Afterlife. The natural elements (fire, water, earth, wind etc.) are also "weaved" but more than that, there's magical sedation. It's interesting and all, but I don't understand how it works. Because of this, I have a dim view of Virgil's soul catching plan.
Once he has enough souls, he can either bind Ankaa's soul (called a "ribbon" in this verse) into a living vessel or he can tie Descarta's inexplicable ribbon to his own to keep her from dying. I don't understand why he needs five centuries of turmoil to gather enough components to do either of these things. Do the souls form a rope or anchor? If this is the case, won't he need to continue doing maintenance on this rope? I can't imagine the souls appreciate being weaved into such a form. I get the feeling that this method was created by the author for Rule of Drama and Love Hurts. This leads to my second problem.
2. Ankaa, the original motivation, is sacrificed for Descarta. This makes no sense to me. Surely he can find some other soul for this purpose. Even if he no longer loved her, sacrificing her is too big a leap. It breaks my willing suspension of disbelief.
3. The relationship between Virgil and Descarta and how it doesn't fit within the timeline of events
According to Virgil and his notes, he raised Descarta for a year and at that point he decided to use his harvest to preserve her life instead of reviving Ankaa. Then he erased her memory and told her she was his wife. This persisted for two years in which he was cold and aloof to her, and forbid her from leaving the castle without explaining why. There are a lot of things wrong with this picture.
First of all-Wife Husbandry. Why say they were married? Since he technically sired her in a test tube, their relationship is closer to father-daughter. She's constantly referred to as "the girl" in narration, not "the woman" so I assume she's significantly younger than him. The narration also states how small she is. "Amensiac daughter" would have been easier to swallow for both reader and Descarta herself, and it would have the added bonus of placating the jealous elf twins.
Second, there's the fact that Descarta exists in the first place. Virgil wasn't trying to create sapient life, but a vessel for Ankaa to live in. None of the other homunculus (of which there were many) lived longer than a day, much less develop sapience on their own. It feels like some deity (or author) threw a Spanner in the Works to make Virgil's life more complicated and tragic than it already was.
Third, what's with the cold shoulder? Surely being nice to her would be more pleasant for all involved. He has already decided that he is going to preserver her life, so there is no excuse about not getting attached to her. More importantly, being nice would aid his plan by making Descarta more trusting of him and more willing to do what he said. The only explanation I can think of is he wanted Descarta to hate him as some kind of masochistic thing or guilt over what he's doing for her sake.
The second half of the story is more traditional: a straight forward rescue arc. Descarta has grown stronger both physically and mentally, and Virgil can no longer hide things from her so her relationship with Virgil is less like that of a man and his pet. It still has those vibes, but it's a consensual thing now (sort of, it's complicated).
On the other hand, this second half of the story is so far removed from the original premise that it feels like a sequel. It's a "Baddies strike back" sort of thing because it's about antagonistic characters enacting vengeance.
Also, it's sparse on details in a way that is unlike the first part.
The first part had this description of the earthenfolk capital; lots of detail and lots of world building. The second part didn't have anything like that. For instance, the elfin city Vanaheim doesn't get the same treatment. What is there is a short criticism of how mercantile they have become.
I get the sense that Virgil is teleporting them from place to place because of the way the scene transitions are handled. They're in one place, wavy line scene breaker, and then they're in some other place.
The meat of this second story is the roller coaster of emotions of the main couple. There's lots of stuff about how Virgil and Decarta feel about each other. It gets boring and stagnant, however, I like the progress from the first story. It is more of a happy, if dysfunctional, couple. Also, petnames like "dear despot" are too cute to hate.
I like the ending. It has this element of closure that I think is essential for any novel (especially ones in a series). It also has this low grade happiness mixed with sorrow. It's odd; a water and oil sort of thing. If you look at it one way, it's a traditional happy ending complete with a child for the main couple. If you look at it another way, it's a funky living situation for a bunch of strangers.
As for "challenging morality", nothing so presumptuous is done here. The idea of unconditional and infinite forgiveness is an old one (at least two thousand years old). Endless devotion is similar. Go to Tvtropes and you'll find a spectrum of anti-villain behavior. Virgil would fall into the "Always Save the Girl" camp.
CHARACTERS
There are no heroes here, just by-standers and varying degrees of villains. Virgil has his Evil Plan and everyone else is either helping or ignorant of it.
Virgil is an Evil Overlord because Love Makes You Evil. Tvtropes would call him a Villain Protagonist. His nature as such is only hinted at until the big reveal around mid-book. He's a heavily self-deprecating character but his guilt never stops him from fulfilling his obsessions. In the second story arc, where he takes up an unarguably heroic goal, he still thinks of himself as a villain who could never do anything remotely good.
Amil and Merril are elf twins driven insane by a horrifically bad life. It involves their parents declaring them taboo and a presumably long time as sex slaves. Then Virgil uses them as research material. Somehow they make a transition from that to his queens and then to his wards. Thus, another strange lover/child relationship. They're basically his tykebombs.
Descarta is a homunculus created to be a vessel. She's the Load for the first half and then a Lady of War after a five year time skip. I would have liked to see those five years in the second half of the book instead of the elf kidnapping thing. Afterward, she's similar to the twins in that she's Virgil obsessed. When the three of them share a body in the end, the only difference is her embarrassment at the things they do with her body, and even then Virgil says they can't do anything that she would be dead set against.
Josiah is a charming bard who seems like a nice guy. He's truly more like a creepy stalker with date rape drugs. Violah convinces him to help her assassinate Virgil by promising him the elf twins. He keeps them locked up and sedated in the dungeon.
Violah herself is deceptive. She's sympathetic early on because Virgil scares both the shit and the modesty out of her. Later on, she considers killing her subordinates because Virgil told them an embarrassing story about her. The only reason she's there at all is petty revenge and a misguided attempt to please her new king.
After six years, she decides Virgil's a security risk? This guy was the supreme weaver! He killed two mages of her standing without effort or remorse. She had a great plan, but it was a tremendous risk for little reward.
Hazael is the mildest here. He's the rightful king of Elusia. After he does his part in the Evil Plan then Virgil will give the country to him. He is a trustworthy and efficient partner in the meantime, and when their deal is closed, he does not consider Virgil a threat to his position. By all indications he's does a splendid job as king.
The one exception is Hafstagg, at least after he mellowed raising Descarta. He has no part in any of this nastiness and becomes father-like to Descarta, and he is the sort of father figure that does not lust after his surrogate daughter.
POLISH
This story is heavy with the Purple Prose. It's hard to find one sentence without hearing about "glowing blue cauldrons" i.e. eyes, "rouge flesh" i.e. blush or "free hanging hazelnut curtains" i.e. hair.
It makes the story confusing. I'm an author myself, and an English major besides, and I regularly had to look up words. For instance, "Riposte" is used whenever someone makes an "answer", a "comeback" or a "wisecrack". That happens a lot.
It sounds pretentious. You do not prove your "mastery" of a language by using flowery sentences or obscure words. Instead you prove that you're more interested in showing off your vocabulary than being understood.
It makes the book longer. The second edition has less purple prose and is about twenty pages shorter than the first edition. There may have been other changes but I was only told about the reduction of Purple Prose.
It's tolerable if only the characters use it, because it can add to characterization or fit into a setting. However, when Virgil goes on a paragraph long gush about Descarta's beauty, it gets annoying. When the narration uses it, you get the above problems.
At least there aren't any spelling or grammar problems.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "Within Ruin" a C ± (I both like and dislike this story. It's complicated.)
Click here for the next review request: "Angeions"
Click here for the previous review request "Phoenix Rising"
WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD! WARNING!
There is a major Reveal around the halfway point that radically changes the plot and colors everything that came before hand. It would be difficult to write this review without spoiling the story's true nature. Also, numerous factors came together to make the final grade complicated and so I will go into detail in order to make my feelings understood. Thus, everything below PLOT could be a spoiler. If you don't want anything spoiled, skip to the POLISH section.
PLOT
My opinion on the plot is mixed and complicated.
Battles are good. Here the elaborate style of writing adds to the sense of epic scale. It's not some vulgar bar brawl, but a poetic dungeon duel. There's one battle in the second half of the book that I particularly like. It is Virgil and Descarta vs Bromymr the earthfolk king.
This battle is a crystallization of one of the essences of fantasy. You have a sword and sorcery battle couple fighting this giant rock golem. There's this sense of teamwork, trust, confidence, and the writing builds up well to the climatic clash. I could see it animated in my mind as it happened.
While many emotional/romantic etc. scenes are over-wrought and melodramatic, there are also scenes that are genuinely touching.
-Descarta returns to Virgil's Mad Scientist lair after five years of traveling. Both of them seek forgiveness from the other for their own reasons but at the start, Virgil thinks he's talking to a hallucination. It's a lovingly broken image. The reconciliation afterward ultimately becomes sweet after these two work out their self-worth and guilt issues.
-Hafstagg going Over Protective Dad for Descarta because he spent five years raising her after she left Virgil. It's a sweet scene because it hints at what happens in the skipped over five years and also because they had a relationship that didn't have any kind of obsession or deception, i.e. healthier than any other relationship in this story.
There's also a lot of funny stuff. Basically, any scene with the elf twins is likely to be funny because they are funny characters. My favorite is their ditty about brioche (a french pastry). As I write this review, it's stuck in my head.
As for the plot itself, I have to go into more detail. First of, I like plots that can grow beyond their premise. If nothing more happened than what the blurb contained, then the story would be dull and predictable. Those are not adjectives I'd use to describe this story.
The plot comes in two parts, technically two and a minor.
1. Journey for the cure
1.5 Reconciliation between Descarta and Virgil
2. Rescue the Elf Twins
When the plot opens, King Virgil of Elusia is going on a journey for a cure for a plague that's ravaging his kingdom. He takes with him his amnesiac queen, Descarta, because if two monarchs ask for help then the request will be given more weight. His human steward and his twin elfin wards go as well. They travel across the countryside, fight assassins, and encounter supernatural creatures.
This is the start of a fantasy novel. I don't want to say "typical" or "bog standard" because those have negative associations in literary circles. The opening plot for this book is not original but neither is the coming shift. At most, it's a perspective flip. You see, Virgil is not looking for a cure to the plague in his kingdom. This is because he created both it and the plague itself.
An evil overlord causes great suffering for his people and stirs wars with his neighbors in order to gather supernatural components so he can resurrect his dearly departed loved one. I'm sure some of you reading this have heard of a similar plot before. In other cases, the purpose of this is make the villain sympathetic and give him a reason for the evil he has done. The heroes stop him regardless but acknowledge that he was a good man driven to insanity by his love. In this case, the evil overlord is the protagonist and there are no heroes to stop him. Thus, he succeeds.
Before I go further, I must provide context
Virgil is five centuries old and used to go by the name of Kalthused. His queen, Ankaa, died during a war and he spent those five centuries working on a plan to bring her back. To do this he needed to create an artificial body and then plug her soul into it. This second goal requires a great deal of souls so he spread a magic soul catching web over the Continent and caused up all manner of trouble to increase the death rate and drive souls into the web. Three years before he had enough souls, one of his artificial bodies came to life. This happened without his action and against his wishes.
This is where my plot problems start. I'll begin with the magic system.
1. It's called "weaving" because it involves manipulating The Fabric, which is something between a Background Magic Field and an Afterlife. The natural elements (fire, water, earth, wind etc.) are also "weaved" but more than that, there's magical sedation. It's interesting and all, but I don't understand how it works. Because of this, I have a dim view of Virgil's soul catching plan.
Once he has enough souls, he can either bind Ankaa's soul (called a "ribbon" in this verse) into a living vessel or he can tie Descarta's inexplicable ribbon to his own to keep her from dying. I don't understand why he needs five centuries of turmoil to gather enough components to do either of these things. Do the souls form a rope or anchor? If this is the case, won't he need to continue doing maintenance on this rope? I can't imagine the souls appreciate being weaved into such a form. I get the feeling that this method was created by the author for Rule of Drama and Love Hurts. This leads to my second problem.
2. Ankaa, the original motivation, is sacrificed for Descarta. This makes no sense to me. Surely he can find some other soul for this purpose. Even if he no longer loved her, sacrificing her is too big a leap. It breaks my willing suspension of disbelief.
3. The relationship between Virgil and Descarta and how it doesn't fit within the timeline of events
According to Virgil and his notes, he raised Descarta for a year and at that point he decided to use his harvest to preserve her life instead of reviving Ankaa. Then he erased her memory and told her she was his wife. This persisted for two years in which he was cold and aloof to her, and forbid her from leaving the castle without explaining why. There are a lot of things wrong with this picture.
First of all-Wife Husbandry. Why say they were married? Since he technically sired her in a test tube, their relationship is closer to father-daughter. She's constantly referred to as "the girl" in narration, not "the woman" so I assume she's significantly younger than him. The narration also states how small she is. "Amensiac daughter" would have been easier to swallow for both reader and Descarta herself, and it would have the added bonus of placating the jealous elf twins.
Second, there's the fact that Descarta exists in the first place. Virgil wasn't trying to create sapient life, but a vessel for Ankaa to live in. None of the other homunculus (of which there were many) lived longer than a day, much less develop sapience on their own. It feels like some deity (or author) threw a Spanner in the Works to make Virgil's life more complicated and tragic than it already was.
Third, what's with the cold shoulder? Surely being nice to her would be more pleasant for all involved. He has already decided that he is going to preserver her life, so there is no excuse about not getting attached to her. More importantly, being nice would aid his plan by making Descarta more trusting of him and more willing to do what he said. The only explanation I can think of is he wanted Descarta to hate him as some kind of masochistic thing or guilt over what he's doing for her sake.
The second half of the story is more traditional: a straight forward rescue arc. Descarta has grown stronger both physically and mentally, and Virgil can no longer hide things from her so her relationship with Virgil is less like that of a man and his pet. It still has those vibes, but it's a consensual thing now (sort of, it's complicated).
On the other hand, this second half of the story is so far removed from the original premise that it feels like a sequel. It's a "Baddies strike back" sort of thing because it's about antagonistic characters enacting vengeance.
Also, it's sparse on details in a way that is unlike the first part.
The first part had this description of the earthenfolk capital; lots of detail and lots of world building. The second part didn't have anything like that. For instance, the elfin city Vanaheim doesn't get the same treatment. What is there is a short criticism of how mercantile they have become.
I get the sense that Virgil is teleporting them from place to place because of the way the scene transitions are handled. They're in one place, wavy line scene breaker, and then they're in some other place.
The meat of this second story is the roller coaster of emotions of the main couple. There's lots of stuff about how Virgil and Decarta feel about each other. It gets boring and stagnant, however, I like the progress from the first story. It is more of a happy, if dysfunctional, couple. Also, petnames like "dear despot" are too cute to hate.
I like the ending. It has this element of closure that I think is essential for any novel (especially ones in a series). It also has this low grade happiness mixed with sorrow. It's odd; a water and oil sort of thing. If you look at it one way, it's a traditional happy ending complete with a child for the main couple. If you look at it another way, it's a funky living situation for a bunch of strangers.
As for "challenging morality", nothing so presumptuous is done here. The idea of unconditional and infinite forgiveness is an old one (at least two thousand years old). Endless devotion is similar. Go to Tvtropes and you'll find a spectrum of anti-villain behavior. Virgil would fall into the "Always Save the Girl" camp.
CHARACTERS
There are no heroes here, just by-standers and varying degrees of villains. Virgil has his Evil Plan and everyone else is either helping or ignorant of it.
Virgil is an Evil Overlord because Love Makes You Evil. Tvtropes would call him a Villain Protagonist. His nature as such is only hinted at until the big reveal around mid-book. He's a heavily self-deprecating character but his guilt never stops him from fulfilling his obsessions. In the second story arc, where he takes up an unarguably heroic goal, he still thinks of himself as a villain who could never do anything remotely good.
Amil and Merril are elf twins driven insane by a horrifically bad life. It involves their parents declaring them taboo and a presumably long time as sex slaves. Then Virgil uses them as research material. Somehow they make a transition from that to his queens and then to his wards. Thus, another strange lover/child relationship. They're basically his tykebombs.
Descarta is a homunculus created to be a vessel. She's the Load for the first half and then a Lady of War after a five year time skip. I would have liked to see those five years in the second half of the book instead of the elf kidnapping thing. Afterward, she's similar to the twins in that she's Virgil obsessed. When the three of them share a body in the end, the only difference is her embarrassment at the things they do with her body, and even then Virgil says they can't do anything that she would be dead set against.
Josiah is a charming bard who seems like a nice guy. He's truly more like a creepy stalker with date rape drugs. Violah convinces him to help her assassinate Virgil by promising him the elf twins. He keeps them locked up and sedated in the dungeon.
Violah herself is deceptive. She's sympathetic early on because Virgil scares both the shit and the modesty out of her. Later on, she considers killing her subordinates because Virgil told them an embarrassing story about her. The only reason she's there at all is petty revenge and a misguided attempt to please her new king.
After six years, she decides Virgil's a security risk? This guy was the supreme weaver! He killed two mages of her standing without effort or remorse. She had a great plan, but it was a tremendous risk for little reward.
Hazael is the mildest here. He's the rightful king of Elusia. After he does his part in the Evil Plan then Virgil will give the country to him. He is a trustworthy and efficient partner in the meantime, and when their deal is closed, he does not consider Virgil a threat to his position. By all indications he's does a splendid job as king.
The one exception is Hafstagg, at least after he mellowed raising Descarta. He has no part in any of this nastiness and becomes father-like to Descarta, and he is the sort of father figure that does not lust after his surrogate daughter.
POLISH
This story is heavy with the Purple Prose. It's hard to find one sentence without hearing about "glowing blue cauldrons" i.e. eyes, "rouge flesh" i.e. blush or "free hanging hazelnut curtains" i.e. hair.
It makes the story confusing. I'm an author myself, and an English major besides, and I regularly had to look up words. For instance, "Riposte" is used whenever someone makes an "answer", a "comeback" or a "wisecrack". That happens a lot.
It sounds pretentious. You do not prove your "mastery" of a language by using flowery sentences or obscure words. Instead you prove that you're more interested in showing off your vocabulary than being understood.
It makes the book longer. The second edition has less purple prose and is about twenty pages shorter than the first edition. There may have been other changes but I was only told about the reduction of Purple Prose.
It's tolerable if only the characters use it, because it can add to characterization or fit into a setting. However, when Virgil goes on a paragraph long gush about Descarta's beauty, it gets annoying. When the narration uses it, you get the above problems.
At least there aren't any spelling or grammar problems.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "Within Ruin" a C ± (I both like and dislike this story. It's complicated.)
Click here for the next review request: "Angeions"
Click here for the previous review request "Phoenix Rising"
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
How to use a Multi-Perspective Narrative Effectively
In my years as a volunteer book reviewer, I've come across a number of novels that attempt a Multi-Prespective Narration. This is when they have several protagonists and thus several viewpoints. If an author can make this work then it will enrich the narrative. If they fail, then it will be a mark against the story, bogging it down and/or crippling development. This article will illustrate the pros and cons of the approach with the books I've read serving as examples.
Benefits
1. World building
When a story focuses on one character, that narrows the story's scope. Only what this character sees and experiences is captured by the author. This forces the story to focus on this character and their trouble. This can help the plot but what if the author is more interested in world building? By using a Multi-Perspective Narrative, an author can show more people in more areas with different lives, and thereby, develop more of their fictional world.
War of the Whispers book 1: Tears of Min Brok did a fantastic job on this point. It has three (later four) heroic groups traveling in three different areas with three different objectives. They can be seen as three "fronts" in this whispering war and thus a broader picture of the war is painted then what any one group could do alone. They will reference each other and occasionally interact, reinforcing this point.
There's also a group for the villains so the reader can see what they're up to when they're not fighting the heroes. This establishes them on their own terms instead of in contrast to the heroes. It fleshes out the war further. I gave this book a B.
2. Grey and Grey Morality or Right Hand vs Left Hand
When you have two viewpoint characters, then it's possible to have two "heroes" of the story instead of just one. If both of them believe they are noble and their actions righteous, then they can be foils of each other. In stories with a single viewpoint, this is harder to achieve because one of them has the sympathetic viewpoint and the other does not. It's easy for the former to come off as the truly righteous one for this reason. A dual viewpoint levels the playing field.
When I read Kindling Ashes, the Multi-Perspective Narrative that contributed to its A+ grade. You have an orphan girl firesoul who believes in the cause of the Firesoul organization, and a noble boy firesoul who wants to destroy the Firesoul organization and both of them have a sympathetic POV. The compare and contrast prevents one from declaring "Hero/Villainous" or "Heroine/Villain". (Except for the boy's older brother, who is an asshole).
Pitfalls
1. Breaking Momentum
You have Character A off doing their thing and it builds up to something immersive and exciting. There's a chapter cliffhanger and the reader eagerly turns the page......to find Character B doing something; disappointment. Also, you as the author now have to build up action with this second character, and by the time you go back to the first, it feels flat even if the scene starts with excitement. When you have two characters, you have to juggle two series of events. This makes pacing the novel twice as complex.
When I read Dark Space 2, it had four plot threads taking place in three different places and two different time periods. It was like reading two books that shared a universe. One was simply superfluous, contributing nothing to the plot. It was confusing, boring, and made me impatient for him to make such division relevant. It was one reason for the book's low grade.
Conversely, Dark Space 1 used this technique with greater skill. There, the focus is 80-90% on the protagonist, and the rest is devoted to a couple of short scenes to deliver plot points crucial to the main plot. Without this technique, the author would have to cram these plot points into the main narrative somehow. It wouldn't be as neat or as effective.
2. Disjointed: Separate Stories Spliced
If you have two or more characters and they're not in the same group and/or location, then you basically have two stories in one book. You have to make them relevant to each other or the reader will think you spliced two separate stories together to increase the book's length.
When I read Tainted Dawn, I couldn't figure out why the three protagonists were sharing a book. They met once at the start and have little influence on each other from then on. One of them never meets one of the other two again and has little plot significance to the other. It was boring, tedious, and undermined the book's premise. This is the primary reason for the book's low score. Separated into their stories, they would have made fine stand-alones. In the end, I came to the conclusion that the author wanted to paint a picture of the era and the protagonists were mere character actors for this purpose.
3. Law of Conservation of Development vs Doorstopper
If you have two protagonists and two stories, then one of two things will happen. Either your book will be the length of one story and each of your protagonists will get the half the development, or your story will be as long as two in order to fully develop each protagonist. There are ways around this, but the fact of the matter is that you have to write two perspectives of the same series of events and that will make the book longer. Again, there's the possibility of becoming boring and tedious.
Conclusion
The Multi-Perspective Narrative is a literary tool. Like all tools it can be used and misused. The bottom line is that it has to be relevant.
Benefits
1. World building
When a story focuses on one character, that narrows the story's scope. Only what this character sees and experiences is captured by the author. This forces the story to focus on this character and their trouble. This can help the plot but what if the author is more interested in world building? By using a Multi-Perspective Narrative, an author can show more people in more areas with different lives, and thereby, develop more of their fictional world.
War of the Whispers book 1: Tears of Min Brok did a fantastic job on this point. It has three (later four) heroic groups traveling in three different areas with three different objectives. They can be seen as three "fronts" in this whispering war and thus a broader picture of the war is painted then what any one group could do alone. They will reference each other and occasionally interact, reinforcing this point.
There's also a group for the villains so the reader can see what they're up to when they're not fighting the heroes. This establishes them on their own terms instead of in contrast to the heroes. It fleshes out the war further. I gave this book a B.
2. Grey and Grey Morality or Right Hand vs Left Hand
When you have two viewpoint characters, then it's possible to have two "heroes" of the story instead of just one. If both of them believe they are noble and their actions righteous, then they can be foils of each other. In stories with a single viewpoint, this is harder to achieve because one of them has the sympathetic viewpoint and the other does not. It's easy for the former to come off as the truly righteous one for this reason. A dual viewpoint levels the playing field.
When I read Kindling Ashes, the Multi-Perspective Narrative that contributed to its A+ grade. You have an orphan girl firesoul who believes in the cause of the Firesoul organization, and a noble boy firesoul who wants to destroy the Firesoul organization and both of them have a sympathetic POV. The compare and contrast prevents one from declaring "Hero/Villainous" or "Heroine/Villain". (Except for the boy's older brother, who is an asshole).
Pitfalls
1. Breaking Momentum
You have Character A off doing their thing and it builds up to something immersive and exciting. There's a chapter cliffhanger and the reader eagerly turns the page......to find Character B doing something; disappointment. Also, you as the author now have to build up action with this second character, and by the time you go back to the first, it feels flat even if the scene starts with excitement. When you have two characters, you have to juggle two series of events. This makes pacing the novel twice as complex.
When I read Dark Space 2, it had four plot threads taking place in three different places and two different time periods. It was like reading two books that shared a universe. One was simply superfluous, contributing nothing to the plot. It was confusing, boring, and made me impatient for him to make such division relevant. It was one reason for the book's low grade.
Conversely, Dark Space 1 used this technique with greater skill. There, the focus is 80-90% on the protagonist, and the rest is devoted to a couple of short scenes to deliver plot points crucial to the main plot. Without this technique, the author would have to cram these plot points into the main narrative somehow. It wouldn't be as neat or as effective.
2. Disjointed: Separate Stories Spliced
If you have two or more characters and they're not in the same group and/or location, then you basically have two stories in one book. You have to make them relevant to each other or the reader will think you spliced two separate stories together to increase the book's length.
When I read Tainted Dawn, I couldn't figure out why the three protagonists were sharing a book. They met once at the start and have little influence on each other from then on. One of them never meets one of the other two again and has little plot significance to the other. It was boring, tedious, and undermined the book's premise. This is the primary reason for the book's low score. Separated into their stories, they would have made fine stand-alones. In the end, I came to the conclusion that the author wanted to paint a picture of the era and the protagonists were mere character actors for this purpose.
3. Law of Conservation of Development vs Doorstopper
If you have two protagonists and two stories, then one of two things will happen. Either your book will be the length of one story and each of your protagonists will get the half the development, or your story will be as long as two in order to fully develop each protagonist. There are ways around this, but the fact of the matter is that you have to write two perspectives of the same series of events and that will make the book longer. Again, there's the possibility of becoming boring and tedious.
Conclusion
The Multi-Perspective Narrative is a literary tool. Like all tools it can be used and misused. The bottom line is that it has to be relevant.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Answering Review Request: Phoenix Rising
Martin Allen asked me to read his book "Phoenix Rising". It's about a guy from a theocracy investigating a freelance preacher in the space age. I will examine plot, characters, and polish and then assign a grade.
PLOT
I like to call this story "The Gosepl According to Javert" because it is a blow by blow copy of the New Testament but from the perspective of a zealous law enforcer, like Inspector Javert from Les Miserables.
It's an interesting idea. Because Decimus has seen charlatan preachers in the past, he assumes that to be the case here. From that perspective, the healings are staged, calming the sea is made up, some stories are conflated to be more than one event, etc. This makes the early parts funny by way of Dramatic Irony. Because Decimus doesn't accept the miracles at face value, he reaches for earthly explanations that are more complicated and less likely, right up to inventing a "Shadow" figure that is manipulating and providing for The Phoenix. Thereby, he makes his own atheistic "God of the Gaps".
Because this story is framed as the Investigator's private log after he's been converted to The Phoenix's flock, the Investigator also takes on dimensions of Apostle Paul. He's an antagonist that eagerly prunes what thinks is/could be heresy, then ultimately sees the light and spreads the word himself. It's like Mr. Allen arranged for Apostle Paul to meet Jesus in the flesh instead of in a vision on the Road to Damascus.
I also like how the setting is space age. I disliked the Out Grown Such Silly Superstitions trope, which states that space age capable societies are atheistic by default. I find it illogical to think that religions would passively fade away because humans live on Mars instead of Earth or what not. It's not a problem here. (The Corrupt Church thing is another matter.)
There are many things I don't like about this book.
This story takes place in the future of Earth. Rome is the main setting, Naples is visited, etc. My problem is there's no connection between 21st century and this setting. I don't understand how this solar system spanning theocratic empire was created. More importantly, I have no idea where this "Sol Invictus" religion came from. Without that, I lack the fundamentals for not only the society but the main characters's motivation and the conspiracy driving the plot.
There are two narratives here. One is the setting update for the Christian New Testament. The other is wholly original yet also wholly dependent on the first. The problem is that these two plots don't mesh.
1. The Passion in the original text was about saving people from sin. Here it sounds more like trying to prevent earthly slaughter, but the thing is, there was no threat of such before The Phoenix started preaching and even if his followers didn't fall for provocation, it wouldn't solve the root problem. I'm left wondering why he started in the first place.
2. The text doesn't confirm if The Phoenix is just one more preacher or something special. I feel Mr. Allen wants to keep it ambiguous but this creates problems. If he's not special, which is what the text leans toward, then this creates a number of plotholes.
2.1 The Transfiguration scene has two instances of clearly supernatural happening. The first is when Decimus tries to eavesdrop on the private scene, and he is repeatedly teleported away from it. The explanation given is that he spaced out and climbed down. This doesn't make sense because it doesn't fit the mentality of a investigator.
2.2. When he finally gets close to the area, he sees a bright white light. There is no explanation here. Decimus merely states that there was no way to create earthly light.
3. The Phoenix clearly knows the Passion is going to happen and he knows the full extent of the plot before Decimus is sure that there is a plot. How does he know this if he is just one more free lance preacher in no man's land?
There is no ending. There is no conclusion. There is no resolution. I feel like it's a Shocking Swerve downer ending. After following the story beat by beat, everyone with even a passing knowledge of the New Testament would expect a Resurrection Scene. Thus, averting this at the last moment is a Twist Ending. It's cheap and more than that, it doesn't make sense.
This whole time the followers are portrayed as cowardly, self-interested, assholes. The Peter figure even does the "deny three times" thing. Yet at the end they're storming the Imperial Compound. If there hadn't been a plot involved, they would have been quickly and effortlessly slaughtered. This can't be called anything besides "suicidal devotion". Why did they wait until now?
I don't understand why a nuke would be used. This is a handful of bums trying to free their small-town leader. A nuke is hardly justified force. Also, Rome is considered to be the lowliest place in the empire. Everyone believes it to be a cursed place and full of the worst of the worst. Who cares if it gets blown up again?
Why is Decimus horrified at this turn of events? His fellow Investigator clearly believes it will benefit the Empire and the only cost is the dregs of society. Decimus cares nothing for these people. He still thinks of them as diseased and sinful wretches. At no point is he trying to save them. What's the problem? I'm left wondering why they're fighting. Histar has no idea what's going, and without Decimus telling her, she wouldn't know what happened. Thus, there's no reason to silence her and no reason for the fight.
Decimus knows that the Empire is corrupt from the start. He talks about how higher ups live in luxury while others scrap to get by, or how he knows certain big whigs to be pederasts, or others in the Empire that wouldn't survive one of his investigations. Yet he is shocked that an innocent man would be condemned to death in a kangaroo court. It gets worse. He acknowledges at numerous points that Phoenix's sermons could easily be interpreted as heresy or criticism of the Empire. One of them was as transparent as "replace 'Evil' with 'Empire'".
Normally, I refrain from suggesting improvements in reviews. Despite any dislike I may have, I try to respect the author's vision. However, this book personally offended me and since a large chunk of it is ripped straight out of the New Testament, I feel it qualifies as an exception.
I think there should be an epilogue. Something that goes back to the start of the narrative, where he's introducing this story. It should involve his plans to duplicate this narrative and spread it around like the other works in The Movement, because he considers himself part of it now. He would frame it in terms of atonement, both for turning in The Phoenix and all the other murders he's committed for the Empire. This would bring forth the full potential of the Apostle Paul expy in his character.
Also, he would declare himself to be investigating the Empire. This would bring forth and crystallize his doubts about the Empire (especially the upper echelons) that have been sprinkled through-out the narrative beginning with the start of his investigation of The Phoenix. I believe something like this would bring closure to the narrative, while at the same time, serve as a fantastic sequel hook.
I don't ask for a Resurrection scene. While I'd like to see one, and I feel some sort of explanation for the supernatural happenings is needed, I'm going to respect Mr.Martin's desire to keep it ambiguous-leaning-nonsupernatural. In fact, giving Decimus bad dreams or "hallucinations" of The Phoenix would further this ambiguity and contribute to the Road to Damascus theme of this entire book.
CHARACTERS
There are basically three characters here. They are Decimus the Investigator, "The Phoenix" the preacher, and Histar the follower.
Histar is like an Audience Surrogate and Morality Pet. Her only role here is to humanize Decimus and act as an opposing influence. She does not otherwise contribute to the plot
"The Phoenix" is a carbon copy of Jesus the Christ. Even the speeches are similar but with local terminology. It is a well done copy, but a copy it remains. On TvTropes, we'd call this an "expy".
Decimus is, as written in the previous section, interesting. He's like this mix of Inspector Javert and Apostle Paul, with a sympathetic Judas mixed in. Now give this composite character the conditioning and weaponry of Halo's Master Chief.
Despite this mix, he is a passive character. More accurately, he is an active character that is made passive by the narrative. The bulk of what he does is read about The Phoenix and then observe him in person. He does a lot of thinking and explaining, which means a good chunk of the report is his own speculation about things. The only action he takes other than his Judas thing is to get Histar out of Rome before The Very Bad Thing happens.
The relationship between Histar and Decimus makes no sense. It goes beyond Love At First Sight and becomes instant irrational obsession. Out of a large crowd, Decimus spots Histar. As the narrator, he points out that it made no sense to rescue her from rapists (outside the investigation) and even less sense not to kill her afterward (she realized he was an investigator from his fighting ability). For someone as heavily indoctrinated as Decimus is supposed to be, her safety quickly becomes his only objective.
POLISH
There are several spelling and grammar errors. It's not excessive but the book would definitely benefit from a proofreader. Also, there are few paragraph breaks. Most pages are a single paragraph. This makes it hard to read.
Interestingly, there is a In-universe justification for this. The book is a first person narrative and Decimus says that he's using "lowtech" to better avoid detection. As interesting as it is, the errors could also be due to other reasons.
The first person narration is poor. The in-universe justification is to be account of the life of the Phoenix, but it's more about Decimus' life. At the beginning, he states that there are written works besides his own being circulated by The Movement, yet the ending implies that only person left in the Movement is headed toward suicide. At the end, one would think he would reach the point in the story where he would begin to write down what happened, i.e. the beginning of the narrative where he explains his purpose. Instead, it cuts off at the end of The Passion. Without that connection, the narrative doesn't make sense. There's not even an afterword stating "thus concludes my account/investigation" etc.
I like the idea for the story but the execution is weak and I feel the desire for a tragic twist ending over-rode the desire for a complete narrative.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "Phoenix Rising" an F
This is a free review request. I received nothing in exchange for it except a free copy of the book.
Click here for the next review request: "Within Ruin"
Click here for the previous review request: "The Experiment"
PLOT
I like to call this story "The Gosepl According to Javert" because it is a blow by blow copy of the New Testament but from the perspective of a zealous law enforcer, like Inspector Javert from Les Miserables.
It's an interesting idea. Because Decimus has seen charlatan preachers in the past, he assumes that to be the case here. From that perspective, the healings are staged, calming the sea is made up, some stories are conflated to be more than one event, etc. This makes the early parts funny by way of Dramatic Irony. Because Decimus doesn't accept the miracles at face value, he reaches for earthly explanations that are more complicated and less likely, right up to inventing a "Shadow" figure that is manipulating and providing for The Phoenix. Thereby, he makes his own atheistic "God of the Gaps".
Because this story is framed as the Investigator's private log after he's been converted to The Phoenix's flock, the Investigator also takes on dimensions of Apostle Paul. He's an antagonist that eagerly prunes what thinks is/could be heresy, then ultimately sees the light and spreads the word himself. It's like Mr. Allen arranged for Apostle Paul to meet Jesus in the flesh instead of in a vision on the Road to Damascus.
I also like how the setting is space age. I disliked the Out Grown Such Silly Superstitions trope, which states that space age capable societies are atheistic by default. I find it illogical to think that religions would passively fade away because humans live on Mars instead of Earth or what not. It's not a problem here. (The Corrupt Church thing is another matter.)
There are many things I don't like about this book.
This story takes place in the future of Earth. Rome is the main setting, Naples is visited, etc. My problem is there's no connection between 21st century and this setting. I don't understand how this solar system spanning theocratic empire was created. More importantly, I have no idea where this "Sol Invictus" religion came from. Without that, I lack the fundamentals for not only the society but the main characters's motivation and the conspiracy driving the plot.
There are two narratives here. One is the setting update for the Christian New Testament. The other is wholly original yet also wholly dependent on the first. The problem is that these two plots don't mesh.
1. The Passion in the original text was about saving people from sin. Here it sounds more like trying to prevent earthly slaughter, but the thing is, there was no threat of such before The Phoenix started preaching and even if his followers didn't fall for provocation, it wouldn't solve the root problem. I'm left wondering why he started in the first place.
2. The text doesn't confirm if The Phoenix is just one more preacher or something special. I feel Mr. Allen wants to keep it ambiguous but this creates problems. If he's not special, which is what the text leans toward, then this creates a number of plotholes.
2.1 The Transfiguration scene has two instances of clearly supernatural happening. The first is when Decimus tries to eavesdrop on the private scene, and he is repeatedly teleported away from it. The explanation given is that he spaced out and climbed down. This doesn't make sense because it doesn't fit the mentality of a investigator.
2.2. When he finally gets close to the area, he sees a bright white light. There is no explanation here. Decimus merely states that there was no way to create earthly light.
3. The Phoenix clearly knows the Passion is going to happen and he knows the full extent of the plot before Decimus is sure that there is a plot. How does he know this if he is just one more free lance preacher in no man's land?
There is no ending. There is no conclusion. There is no resolution. I feel like it's a Shocking Swerve downer ending. After following the story beat by beat, everyone with even a passing knowledge of the New Testament would expect a Resurrection Scene. Thus, averting this at the last moment is a Twist Ending. It's cheap and more than that, it doesn't make sense.
This whole time the followers are portrayed as cowardly, self-interested, assholes. The Peter figure even does the "deny three times" thing. Yet at the end they're storming the Imperial Compound. If there hadn't been a plot involved, they would have been quickly and effortlessly slaughtered. This can't be called anything besides "suicidal devotion". Why did they wait until now?
I don't understand why a nuke would be used. This is a handful of bums trying to free their small-town leader. A nuke is hardly justified force. Also, Rome is considered to be the lowliest place in the empire. Everyone believes it to be a cursed place and full of the worst of the worst. Who cares if it gets blown up again?
Why is Decimus horrified at this turn of events? His fellow Investigator clearly believes it will benefit the Empire and the only cost is the dregs of society. Decimus cares nothing for these people. He still thinks of them as diseased and sinful wretches. At no point is he trying to save them. What's the problem? I'm left wondering why they're fighting. Histar has no idea what's going, and without Decimus telling her, she wouldn't know what happened. Thus, there's no reason to silence her and no reason for the fight.
Decimus knows that the Empire is corrupt from the start. He talks about how higher ups live in luxury while others scrap to get by, or how he knows certain big whigs to be pederasts, or others in the Empire that wouldn't survive one of his investigations. Yet he is shocked that an innocent man would be condemned to death in a kangaroo court. It gets worse. He acknowledges at numerous points that Phoenix's sermons could easily be interpreted as heresy or criticism of the Empire. One of them was as transparent as "replace 'Evil' with 'Empire'".
Normally, I refrain from suggesting improvements in reviews. Despite any dislike I may have, I try to respect the author's vision. However, this book personally offended me and since a large chunk of it is ripped straight out of the New Testament, I feel it qualifies as an exception.
I think there should be an epilogue. Something that goes back to the start of the narrative, where he's introducing this story. It should involve his plans to duplicate this narrative and spread it around like the other works in The Movement, because he considers himself part of it now. He would frame it in terms of atonement, both for turning in The Phoenix and all the other murders he's committed for the Empire. This would bring forth the full potential of the Apostle Paul expy in his character.
Also, he would declare himself to be investigating the Empire. This would bring forth and crystallize his doubts about the Empire (especially the upper echelons) that have been sprinkled through-out the narrative beginning with the start of his investigation of The Phoenix. I believe something like this would bring closure to the narrative, while at the same time, serve as a fantastic sequel hook.
I don't ask for a Resurrection scene. While I'd like to see one, and I feel some sort of explanation for the supernatural happenings is needed, I'm going to respect Mr.Martin's desire to keep it ambiguous-leaning-nonsupernatural. In fact, giving Decimus bad dreams or "hallucinations" of The Phoenix would further this ambiguity and contribute to the Road to Damascus theme of this entire book.
CHARACTERS
There are basically three characters here. They are Decimus the Investigator, "The Phoenix" the preacher, and Histar the follower.
Histar is like an Audience Surrogate and Morality Pet. Her only role here is to humanize Decimus and act as an opposing influence. She does not otherwise contribute to the plot
"The Phoenix" is a carbon copy of Jesus the Christ. Even the speeches are similar but with local terminology. It is a well done copy, but a copy it remains. On TvTropes, we'd call this an "expy".
Decimus is, as written in the previous section, interesting. He's like this mix of Inspector Javert and Apostle Paul, with a sympathetic Judas mixed in. Now give this composite character the conditioning and weaponry of Halo's Master Chief.
Despite this mix, he is a passive character. More accurately, he is an active character that is made passive by the narrative. The bulk of what he does is read about The Phoenix and then observe him in person. He does a lot of thinking and explaining, which means a good chunk of the report is his own speculation about things. The only action he takes other than his Judas thing is to get Histar out of Rome before The Very Bad Thing happens.
The relationship between Histar and Decimus makes no sense. It goes beyond Love At First Sight and becomes instant irrational obsession. Out of a large crowd, Decimus spots Histar. As the narrator, he points out that it made no sense to rescue her from rapists (outside the investigation) and even less sense not to kill her afterward (she realized he was an investigator from his fighting ability). For someone as heavily indoctrinated as Decimus is supposed to be, her safety quickly becomes his only objective.
POLISH
There are several spelling and grammar errors. It's not excessive but the book would definitely benefit from a proofreader. Also, there are few paragraph breaks. Most pages are a single paragraph. This makes it hard to read.
Interestingly, there is a In-universe justification for this. The book is a first person narrative and Decimus says that he's using "lowtech" to better avoid detection. As interesting as it is, the errors could also be due to other reasons.
The first person narration is poor. The in-universe justification is to be account of the life of the Phoenix, but it's more about Decimus' life. At the beginning, he states that there are written works besides his own being circulated by The Movement, yet the ending implies that only person left in the Movement is headed toward suicide. At the end, one would think he would reach the point in the story where he would begin to write down what happened, i.e. the beginning of the narrative where he explains his purpose. Instead, it cuts off at the end of The Passion. Without that connection, the narrative doesn't make sense. There's not even an afterword stating "thus concludes my account/investigation" etc.
I like the idea for the story but the execution is weak and I feel the desire for a tragic twist ending over-rode the desire for a complete narrative.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "Phoenix Rising" an F
This is a free review request. I received nothing in exchange for it except a free copy of the book.
Click here for the next review request: "Within Ruin"
Click here for the previous review request: "The Experiment"
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Answering Review Request "The Experiment"
Christian Solari asked me to read their novel "The Experiment". It's about these aliens who want to see how intelligent life develops and then get scared when their creations develop hyperspace techonology. I will examine plot, characters and polish, and then assign a grade.
PLOT
There are two plot threads in this story. They intertwine like DNA. In the first thread, there's the Universe Confederation investigating the Experiment. This investigation is complicated, but in a nutshell, the UC wants to determine if subjects of the Experiment (humans, by the way, sort of, it's complicated) will play nice with the rest of the universe. It's basically a "Humanity on Trial" plotline, except no human is aware that trial is taking place. In the second thread, there's the Frontier Space Program pushing to prove that Hyperspace travel is possible. It is this second thread that triggers the first and so they mutually develop alongside each other and influence each other. They are, in fact, so intertwined, that either one of them could be "The Experiment" from the title.
It's fascinating to watch this story start up and develop. MR. Solari's constructed world is well thought out.
On Tvtropes, we have this page called "Blue and Orange Morality" which states that is a system of morality separate from the "Good/Evil" axis on which basic human morality operates. The page also states that some writers fail to make a true example and instead create "evil by a different name." I feel that's not the case here. Mr. Solari genuinely tried to create a culture that works on a different wavelength-sufficiently alien for something that claims to be "truly intelligent/ high intelligence" that a human (i.e. the reader) would still be able to recognize as valid.
This may or may not be the case, but their values are not internally consistent. They claim that "fear" is a primordial emotion that they left behind but the entire purpose for "terminating the Experiment" (i.e. solar system wide genocide) is because they're afraid that humans will harm them/their way of life. They claim to be "fully cooperative" yet they have many arguments among themselves and don't involve humans in their decision making. They claim that "destruction is never an option" yet they can't think of any solution to their Preintelloids-With-Hyperspace tech problem other than Kill Them All. They sound like hypocrites.
I say "may or may not" because I don't feel like Mr. Solari meant to portray the Universe Confederation as truly superior. It feels like more an inversion of What Measure Is A Non-Human. There are parallels between the Universe Confederation (the aliens) and the Union (the humans). Both of them deal with an experiment that will change their world and engage in morally ambiguous behavior in the process. I think Mr.Solari's point is that neither of them were as great as they believed themselves to be.
It has a peculiar turn of events in the third act. Suffice to say it's a mixture of Outgrown Such Silly Superstitions and Messanic Archetype in the same person.
I like the ending. Given the premise, making the ending neat and tidy would be unrealistic. This is a resolution of conflict that's not a "The End".
CHARACTERS
It's a diverse cast here. There are about a dozen or so main characters and all of them are distinct and well developed.
I found it interesting that the most prominent Universe Confederation members are named after Egyptian Deities. Amun was the sun god and here he's the guy in charge of The Experiment. Amaat was the concept of unity and here he is a mediator. Anubis was the god of embalmers, thus associated with death, and his role is to argue for the "termination" of the Experiment. As a side note, this is Everyone Hates Hades because Anubis wasn't considered evil or a maker of death. That's someone else.
Geb is a fascinating character. A scientist that's also a Messianic Archetype. It's a transformation and fusion. If being "fully cooperative" is the mark of "high intelligence:" then I'd say he's the only truly intelligent character in this story.
Huan is a fun character. She's a Genki Girl and brings life to many scenes. Her interactions with the stoic Gup make her even more fun. She's also a walking proof that the "pre-intelliod-Intelliod" line is blurrier than the Universe Confederation makes it out to be. Despite her aggressive-selfish genes, she has the empathy to understand the intelliods she encounters.
POLISH
No spelling or grammar problems. This is a dense but easy read.
The only flaw I see is in the UC's decision making. They do not consider any options other than "All or nothing". There's a sense that the author meant to show them as flawed but the lack of a clear What the Hello Hero make this mere speculation. If something like this was present, I'd give this story a perfect grade.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "The Experiment" a B+
Click here for the next review request: "Phoenix Rising"
Click here for the previous review request: ""Cluck the Undercover Chicken"
PLOT
There are two plot threads in this story. They intertwine like DNA. In the first thread, there's the Universe Confederation investigating the Experiment. This investigation is complicated, but in a nutshell, the UC wants to determine if subjects of the Experiment (humans, by the way, sort of, it's complicated) will play nice with the rest of the universe. It's basically a "Humanity on Trial" plotline, except no human is aware that trial is taking place. In the second thread, there's the Frontier Space Program pushing to prove that Hyperspace travel is possible. It is this second thread that triggers the first and so they mutually develop alongside each other and influence each other. They are, in fact, so intertwined, that either one of them could be "The Experiment" from the title.
It's fascinating to watch this story start up and develop. MR. Solari's constructed world is well thought out.
On Tvtropes, we have this page called "Blue and Orange Morality" which states that is a system of morality separate from the "Good/Evil" axis on which basic human morality operates. The page also states that some writers fail to make a true example and instead create "evil by a different name." I feel that's not the case here. Mr. Solari genuinely tried to create a culture that works on a different wavelength-sufficiently alien for something that claims to be "truly intelligent/ high intelligence" that a human (i.e. the reader) would still be able to recognize as valid.
This may or may not be the case, but their values are not internally consistent. They claim that "fear" is a primordial emotion that they left behind but the entire purpose for "terminating the Experiment" (i.e. solar system wide genocide) is because they're afraid that humans will harm them/their way of life. They claim to be "fully cooperative" yet they have many arguments among themselves and don't involve humans in their decision making. They claim that "destruction is never an option" yet they can't think of any solution to their Preintelloids-With-Hyperspace tech problem other than Kill Them All. They sound like hypocrites.
I say "may or may not" because I don't feel like Mr. Solari meant to portray the Universe Confederation as truly superior. It feels like more an inversion of What Measure Is A Non-Human. There are parallels between the Universe Confederation (the aliens) and the Union (the humans). Both of them deal with an experiment that will change their world and engage in morally ambiguous behavior in the process. I think Mr.Solari's point is that neither of them were as great as they believed themselves to be.
It has a peculiar turn of events in the third act. Suffice to say it's a mixture of Outgrown Such Silly Superstitions and Messanic Archetype in the same person.
I like the ending. Given the premise, making the ending neat and tidy would be unrealistic. This is a resolution of conflict that's not a "The End".
CHARACTERS
It's a diverse cast here. There are about a dozen or so main characters and all of them are distinct and well developed.
I found it interesting that the most prominent Universe Confederation members are named after Egyptian Deities. Amun was the sun god and here he's the guy in charge of The Experiment. Amaat was the concept of unity and here he is a mediator. Anubis was the god of embalmers, thus associated with death, and his role is to argue for the "termination" of the Experiment. As a side note, this is Everyone Hates Hades because Anubis wasn't considered evil or a maker of death. That's someone else.
Geb is a fascinating character. A scientist that's also a Messianic Archetype. It's a transformation and fusion. If being "fully cooperative" is the mark of "high intelligence:" then I'd say he's the only truly intelligent character in this story.
Huan is a fun character. She's a Genki Girl and brings life to many scenes. Her interactions with the stoic Gup make her even more fun. She's also a walking proof that the "pre-intelliod-Intelliod" line is blurrier than the Universe Confederation makes it out to be. Despite her aggressive-selfish genes, she has the empathy to understand the intelliods she encounters.
POLISH
No spelling or grammar problems. This is a dense but easy read.
The only flaw I see is in the UC's decision making. They do not consider any options other than "All or nothing". There's a sense that the author meant to show them as flawed but the lack of a clear What the Hello Hero make this mere speculation. If something like this was present, I'd give this story a perfect grade.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "The Experiment" a B+
Click here for the next review request: "Phoenix Rising"
Click here for the previous review request: ""Cluck the Undercover Chicken"
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Answering Review Request: "Cluck the Undercover Chicken"
G. Eric Francis asked me to read his novel "Cluck the Undercover Chicken". It's about a humanoid chicken cop infiltrating a cult that wants to take over the world, while arguing with the person writing the story. I will examine plot, characters and polish before assigning a grade.
PLOT
This book is trying to be funny not thrilling. Thus, the plot isn't as important as the comedy. The plot is generic, silly, and braced by a shallow straw feminist thing. It reads like a simple minded James Bond parody. If you read this for an engaging plot, you'll be disappointed. You should read this for the comic banter between Cluck and ST (StoryTeller A.K.A. G Eric Francis). That is what kept me turning pages. It's like a two person comedian act with something happening in the background.
You see, Cluck is the only character in this story aware of the fact that he's a character in a story. Not only that, he can communicate with the person writing the story. From the perspective of other characters, he's talking with ceiling tiles. They think he's nuts.
This book deserves recognition for the most shameless use of Deus Ex Machina I've ever read, that is also funny and fits in with the book's overall feel. Only the Freakazoid series tops it in this regard.
Cluck: Did you just write in some new ammo?
ST: Actually, come to think of it, I just did! (...........)That is the fun part about being a writer, you can change things on the fly, get it?
Good ending. There's conflict resolution but still more adventures to come.
CHARACTERS
There are two main characters, Cluck (the protagonist) and ST (the Narrator), and like I said earlier, they are basically a two man comedy routine. Cluck brags about how awesome he is and gets into trouble, and ST reacts to this.
Cluck reminds me of Marvel's Deadpool because of his tendency to talk a lot, his Medium Awareness, and his violent profession. He's like a lite version of Deadpool; doesn't talk as much, not as crazy, not as violent.
ST is a foil. He's quieter and less inclined to toot his own horn. Since he's also the one writing this story, he's effectively a reality warper that can both introduce and resolve random difficulties in Cluck's path. His goal is to make a good story. Considering how he exists on a different level of existence, there's a lot of room for Alternate Character Interpretation and Everyone Is Jesus in Purgatory faux symbolism.
POLISH
No spelling or grammar problems. It's easy to follow the character conversations vs those that Cluck has with ST. However, the main plot feels too much like an excuse plot to give this book a perfect grade.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "Cluck the Undercover Chicken" a B+
Click here for the next review request: "The Experiment"
Click here for the previous review request: "Hy Brazil"
PLOT
This book is trying to be funny not thrilling. Thus, the plot isn't as important as the comedy. The plot is generic, silly, and braced by a shallow straw feminist thing. It reads like a simple minded James Bond parody. If you read this for an engaging plot, you'll be disappointed. You should read this for the comic banter between Cluck and ST (StoryTeller A.K.A. G Eric Francis). That is what kept me turning pages. It's like a two person comedian act with something happening in the background.
You see, Cluck is the only character in this story aware of the fact that he's a character in a story. Not only that, he can communicate with the person writing the story. From the perspective of other characters, he's talking with ceiling tiles. They think he's nuts.
This book deserves recognition for the most shameless use of Deus Ex Machina I've ever read, that is also funny and fits in with the book's overall feel. Only the Freakazoid series tops it in this regard.
Cluck: Did you just write in some new ammo?
ST: Actually, come to think of it, I just did! (...........)That is the fun part about being a writer, you can change things on the fly, get it?
Good ending. There's conflict resolution but still more adventures to come.
CHARACTERS
There are two main characters, Cluck (the protagonist) and ST (the Narrator), and like I said earlier, they are basically a two man comedy routine. Cluck brags about how awesome he is and gets into trouble, and ST reacts to this.
Cluck reminds me of Marvel's Deadpool because of his tendency to talk a lot, his Medium Awareness, and his violent profession. He's like a lite version of Deadpool; doesn't talk as much, not as crazy, not as violent.
ST is a foil. He's quieter and less inclined to toot his own horn. Since he's also the one writing this story, he's effectively a reality warper that can both introduce and resolve random difficulties in Cluck's path. His goal is to make a good story. Considering how he exists on a different level of existence, there's a lot of room for Alternate Character Interpretation and Everyone Is Jesus in Purgatory faux symbolism.
POLISH
No spelling or grammar problems. It's easy to follow the character conversations vs those that Cluck has with ST. However, the main plot feels too much like an excuse plot to give this book a perfect grade.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "Cluck the Undercover Chicken" a B+
Click here for the next review request: "The Experiment"
Click here for the previous review request: "Hy Brazil"
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Answering Review Request: "Hy Brazil"
Gerald Killingsworth asked me to review his book "Hy Brazil". It's about a young man from Victoria's England getting tangled up in an elfin civil war. I will examine plot, character and polish before assigning a grade.
PLOT
This plot takes a long time to set up its conflict. The elfin civil war is not properly established until some 200 pages have passed. Edward, the protagonist, does not even arrive in Hy Brazil for 80 pages. Until then, the story reads like a bog-standard historical fiction and I'm lead to believe that the conflict is between England and Ireland; no "Hy Brazil" in sight.
I like historical fiction. If this entire book was about Edmund Spenser's secretary living in Ireland, I would have liked that. Unfortunately, every plot point in this section ceases to be relevant as soon as Edward sets foot in Hy Brazil.
After that there's this section with an Elfin City Lord. It goes on for a while but ultimately goes nowhere. All I can assume is that it's supposed to be a contrast thing with the Elfin Forest Lord (who is basically the same character on the opposite side of the fence). This city lord says he wants diplomatic relations with the human world but doesn't tell Edward why he wants this or what he wants Edward to do specifically. Thus the plot stalls during this period.
Shuffling is a problem. Instead of building up a situation, Edward is tossed from one to the next. Each has little bearing on the one before it. All the stuff about Spenser's writing, tensions in Ireland, and that thing about Calvagh being "kin to the Desmond" is erased. Lord Húon ’l Dainn's brand, the stuff in the city, and mine scene are similarly forgotten. The only continuity is Edward's work on elfin accents and the money he received, which is used to buy himself a pair of shoes (his 4th or 5th pair). "Salvage" is forgotten once "Flora" shows up and she is mentioned once after she's replaced by elfin lieutenants. There's no firm footing. The Elfin Forest Lady straight up says that they're wasting time and that nothing important happened. (Filler!)
At the time, I thought it was like reading "five chapters of prologue." Now I phrase it as "endless beginnings of a story without any middle or end". I'd prefer to start in the forest and in the second chapter.
There is no ending. The story just stops. I have half a mind to think that the file was damaged in transit and that there's more to this book then the copy I have. Books need to have a resolution because otherwise they look unfinished.
There are a couple scenes I like in this story and they are descriptions of supernatural wonders. Mr.Killingsworth inspires awe with these scenes.
Also, I like the first five or so chapters that take place in the human realm. There's lots of detail here and a number of well developed characters. Edward certainly has a strong presence (always a good thing with first person narration) and the use of Calvagh as his foil (a bastard child like him but Irish and much nicer) makes them both better. Spenser, the poet, also makes a interesting contrast with Edward, whose writing skill is his tidy handwriting. It's a Technician vs Performer thing, as we say on Tvtropes.
Doubtless I would have enjoyed the human realm plotline more if I wasn't looking forward to the adventure in the elf realm. My disappointment with the elf realm plotline is likely due to having different expectations then Mr.Killingworth.
CHARACTERS
Edward is the only steady character. The others are inevitably lost in the shuffling mentioned above and contribute to the shuffling. It's a wheel of Edward meeting new people and being a jerk to them.
Out of all the many characters introduced in the human world, only two move into the elf world. Calvagh might as well have stayed behind because all he does is underscore Edward's jerkassery. He doesn't contribute anything to the plot.
Over the course of the story, more characters share this fate. "Salvage" does nothing and is not mentioned after his disappearance. "Flora" and her brother likewise. In the end, Edward has a half dozen or so lieutenants and I can't tell them apart because they are not visually distinguished and they all act the same.
Edward Harry, the protagonist, is a jerkass. He's arrogant, rude, treats others like dirt and sucks up to his boss. Occasionally, he'll recognize these traits but refuse to improve upon them which makes them worse. Being a bastard son is no excuse for his behavior because he meets three other bastards in this story and none of them are as bad as him. They serve to further emphasis his over-inflated opinion of himself and lack of manners.
Early in the story, he thinks the Irish in his traveling party are discussing ways to kill him simply because they're Irish and he can't understand their language. His boss is writing a pastoral poem and says that Edward inspired one of the characters. Instead of being flattered, he is deeply offended because the character's name doesn't match up to his own, which is the first name of two English kings.
Late in the story, he deliberately pushes the buttons of his lieutenants because they don't treat him like a king which then justifies their dislike of him. The only people he treats with respect are people serving him, and they have to fawn over him like the Grogoch, or it won't count.
The one redeeming trait he has is that he finds murder distasteful, both in seeing it done and committing it himself. Even here he can sound like a jerkass because he sounds like murder is beneath him as a "wandering scholar" rather than morally incorrect. Also, he often contemplates killing elves he particularly dislikes, or about cutting their pointy ears off. For someone that does not hesitate to kill two elves over the course of the story, this is a worrying tendency.
POLISH
There are no spelling or grammar mistakes.
The first person narration works well because it is within Edward Harry's personality to write down his daily activities. The first page is about how this is his story and that he is the most important thing in it. It's all the more in his personality to give the events his own slant.
Overall, I don't like this book. I find it boring, too long, and starred by a thoroughly unlikable character. HOWEVER, I like the human realm plotline and the elf realm plotline separately. Thus I will give three grades. One for human realm, one for elf realm, and one for overall.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "Hy Brazil" the following grades:
1. Human Realm plotline = B- (It feels like Slice of Life and so closure is a non-factor)
2. Elf Realm plotline = C- (for the lack of closure)
3. Overall = D- (i.e. not a "$15 for a paperback" kind of book)
Click here for the next review request: "Cluck the Undercover Chicken"
Click here for the previous review request: Disconnect
PLOT
This plot takes a long time to set up its conflict. The elfin civil war is not properly established until some 200 pages have passed. Edward, the protagonist, does not even arrive in Hy Brazil for 80 pages. Until then, the story reads like a bog-standard historical fiction and I'm lead to believe that the conflict is between England and Ireland; no "Hy Brazil" in sight.
I like historical fiction. If this entire book was about Edmund Spenser's secretary living in Ireland, I would have liked that. Unfortunately, every plot point in this section ceases to be relevant as soon as Edward sets foot in Hy Brazil.
After that there's this section with an Elfin City Lord. It goes on for a while but ultimately goes nowhere. All I can assume is that it's supposed to be a contrast thing with the Elfin Forest Lord (who is basically the same character on the opposite side of the fence). This city lord says he wants diplomatic relations with the human world but doesn't tell Edward why he wants this or what he wants Edward to do specifically. Thus the plot stalls during this period.
Shuffling is a problem. Instead of building up a situation, Edward is tossed from one to the next. Each has little bearing on the one before it. All the stuff about Spenser's writing, tensions in Ireland, and that thing about Calvagh being "kin to the Desmond" is erased. Lord Húon ’l Dainn's brand, the stuff in the city, and mine scene are similarly forgotten. The only continuity is Edward's work on elfin accents and the money he received, which is used to buy himself a pair of shoes (his 4th or 5th pair). "Salvage" is forgotten once "Flora" shows up and she is mentioned once after she's replaced by elfin lieutenants. There's no firm footing. The Elfin Forest Lady straight up says that they're wasting time and that nothing important happened. (Filler!)
At the time, I thought it was like reading "five chapters of prologue." Now I phrase it as "endless beginnings of a story without any middle or end". I'd prefer to start in the forest and in the second chapter.
There is no ending. The story just stops. I have half a mind to think that the file was damaged in transit and that there's more to this book then the copy I have. Books need to have a resolution because otherwise they look unfinished.
There are a couple scenes I like in this story and they are descriptions of supernatural wonders. Mr.Killingsworth inspires awe with these scenes.
Also, I like the first five or so chapters that take place in the human realm. There's lots of detail here and a number of well developed characters. Edward certainly has a strong presence (always a good thing with first person narration) and the use of Calvagh as his foil (a bastard child like him but Irish and much nicer) makes them both better. Spenser, the poet, also makes a interesting contrast with Edward, whose writing skill is his tidy handwriting. It's a Technician vs Performer thing, as we say on Tvtropes.
Doubtless I would have enjoyed the human realm plotline more if I wasn't looking forward to the adventure in the elf realm. My disappointment with the elf realm plotline is likely due to having different expectations then Mr.Killingworth.
CHARACTERS
Edward is the only steady character. The others are inevitably lost in the shuffling mentioned above and contribute to the shuffling. It's a wheel of Edward meeting new people and being a jerk to them.
Out of all the many characters introduced in the human world, only two move into the elf world. Calvagh might as well have stayed behind because all he does is underscore Edward's jerkassery. He doesn't contribute anything to the plot.
Over the course of the story, more characters share this fate. "Salvage" does nothing and is not mentioned after his disappearance. "Flora" and her brother likewise. In the end, Edward has a half dozen or so lieutenants and I can't tell them apart because they are not visually distinguished and they all act the same.
Edward Harry, the protagonist, is a jerkass. He's arrogant, rude, treats others like dirt and sucks up to his boss. Occasionally, he'll recognize these traits but refuse to improve upon them which makes them worse. Being a bastard son is no excuse for his behavior because he meets three other bastards in this story and none of them are as bad as him. They serve to further emphasis his over-inflated opinion of himself and lack of manners.
Early in the story, he thinks the Irish in his traveling party are discussing ways to kill him simply because they're Irish and he can't understand their language. His boss is writing a pastoral poem and says that Edward inspired one of the characters. Instead of being flattered, he is deeply offended because the character's name doesn't match up to his own, which is the first name of two English kings.
Late in the story, he deliberately pushes the buttons of his lieutenants because they don't treat him like a king which then justifies their dislike of him. The only people he treats with respect are people serving him, and they have to fawn over him like the Grogoch, or it won't count.
The one redeeming trait he has is that he finds murder distasteful, both in seeing it done and committing it himself. Even here he can sound like a jerkass because he sounds like murder is beneath him as a "wandering scholar" rather than morally incorrect. Also, he often contemplates killing elves he particularly dislikes, or about cutting their pointy ears off. For someone that does not hesitate to kill two elves over the course of the story, this is a worrying tendency.
POLISH
There are no spelling or grammar mistakes.
The first person narration works well because it is within Edward Harry's personality to write down his daily activities. The first page is about how this is his story and that he is the most important thing in it. It's all the more in his personality to give the events his own slant.
Overall, I don't like this book. I find it boring, too long, and starred by a thoroughly unlikable character. HOWEVER, I like the human realm plotline and the elf realm plotline separately. Thus I will give three grades. One for human realm, one for elf realm, and one for overall.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "Hy Brazil" the following grades:
1. Human Realm plotline = B- (It feels like Slice of Life and so closure is a non-factor)
2. Elf Realm plotline = C- (for the lack of closure)
3. Overall = D- (i.e. not a "$15 for a paperback" kind of book)
Click here for the next review request: "Cluck the Undercover Chicken"
Click here for the previous review request: Disconnect
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Who Has the Best Mousetrap
"If you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat a path to your door"
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sure Ralph, that sounds fair and logical, but how do you spread the word about your superior mousetrap? How do you convince them that it is truly superior?
Being a self-published author is a lot like being in the woods. No one knows how great your book is because you are alone in the wilderness and obscured by many, many trees. One's voice needs to carry out of the woods and into the ears of perspective readers. A self-published author is on their own for this task. Any help must come from people they hire or their friends and family.
When I started writing A Mage's Power, I didn't talk about it. No one knew about it. Thus, when the book was finished and I wanted to publish it, there was no one waiting at the door of my forest cabin, and no beaten path behind them. I delayed publishing for a year in order to build up my social network. I looked for authors on facebook, gathered twitter followers, started this blog, and joined organizations like the Independent Author Network and Book Tweeting Service. In this way I found a way to broadcast the virtues of my mousetrap, but many other people found it too.
If thousands of people are standing in the forest and yelling about their mousetrap, then no one is truly heard. It's like a cocktail party; one can hear a lot of voices but it's all indistinct chatter. Imagine every living thing in a forest vying for attention: every tree, bird, insect, mammal, and blade of grass calling to you. In the midst of all this is our mousetrap maker shouting at the top of his lungs. Who would hear him? Book reviewers.
I became a book reviewer to increase my own reach in the social media sphere, but in the process, I help other people stand out. I review their book and while reading it I share my thoughts about it on three social media platforms. I help others spread the news about their own mousetrap and whether or not its worth beating a path to their door. Its not so hard when two people are shouting the same message.
This leads to a third problem. It's called The Problem with Paid Reviews and Reviews, Not Endorsements. Sometimes I encounter books that have a handful of reviewers and they all sound the same. It's like the author paid a bunch of people to stand in a row and shout generic praise. There's nothing wrong with this when it's honest advertising. The problem is when the advertisers pretend to be reviewers. "Okay you have my attention, but how is your mousetrap superior to all the others?" A generic review might as well be empty because it can't answer this question.
For all that are here still reading, please allow me to direct you to my mousetrap: A Mage's Power
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sure Ralph, that sounds fair and logical, but how do you spread the word about your superior mousetrap? How do you convince them that it is truly superior?
Being a self-published author is a lot like being in the woods. No one knows how great your book is because you are alone in the wilderness and obscured by many, many trees. One's voice needs to carry out of the woods and into the ears of perspective readers. A self-published author is on their own for this task. Any help must come from people they hire or their friends and family.
When I started writing A Mage's Power, I didn't talk about it. No one knew about it. Thus, when the book was finished and I wanted to publish it, there was no one waiting at the door of my forest cabin, and no beaten path behind them. I delayed publishing for a year in order to build up my social network. I looked for authors on facebook, gathered twitter followers, started this blog, and joined organizations like the Independent Author Network and Book Tweeting Service. In this way I found a way to broadcast the virtues of my mousetrap, but many other people found it too.
If thousands of people are standing in the forest and yelling about their mousetrap, then no one is truly heard. It's like a cocktail party; one can hear a lot of voices but it's all indistinct chatter. Imagine every living thing in a forest vying for attention: every tree, bird, insect, mammal, and blade of grass calling to you. In the midst of all this is our mousetrap maker shouting at the top of his lungs. Who would hear him? Book reviewers.
I became a book reviewer to increase my own reach in the social media sphere, but in the process, I help other people stand out. I review their book and while reading it I share my thoughts about it on three social media platforms. I help others spread the news about their own mousetrap and whether or not its worth beating a path to their door. Its not so hard when two people are shouting the same message.
This leads to a third problem. It's called The Problem with Paid Reviews and Reviews, Not Endorsements. Sometimes I encounter books that have a handful of reviewers and they all sound the same. It's like the author paid a bunch of people to stand in a row and shout generic praise. There's nothing wrong with this when it's honest advertising. The problem is when the advertisers pretend to be reviewers. "Okay you have my attention, but how is your mousetrap superior to all the others?" A generic review might as well be empty because it can't answer this question.
For all that are here still reading, please allow me to direct you to my mousetrap: A Mage's Power
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Answering Review Request "Disconnect"
Gillian Adams asked me to read her short story "Disconnect". It's about a cop and a tech group that fight a Megacrop of virtual reality. I will examine plot, characters, and polish before assigning a grade.
PLOT
In a nutshell, this story is like The Matrix and Neon Genesis Evangelion blended together and much shorter than either one.
From the start I'm reminded of Matrix; the first scene is the protagonist pulled out of Virtual Reality in a blind and helpless state, similar to Neo. The similarities continue to pile up from there.
-You have a small tech savvy group rebelling against a much larger organization that manages a virtual reality simulator which led to a city's decay because no one spends time outside the VR.
-This organization hunts the group with Men in Black
-The only way to stop them is with a special person who can use reality warper power to go to the machine's core and shut it down.
-At the core, this special guy talks to the bad guy in charge and makes a decision that involves his love interest.
There's so much background religious symbolism it's like watching Neon Genesis Evangelion.
-The protagonist's name is "Adam" which is the first human man according to Judeo-Christian tradition. In other words, "one" but there's a further implication. Biblical!Adam is part of the reason that humans don't live in earthly paradise and Virtual Life is held up as such a paradise by its creator company and many users.
-The protagonist says "welcome to the promised land" when he ejects everyone from the VR and into real life.
-A networker who wears a "blood red dress" puts a "crown of twisted metal" on the protagonist's head in order to restore his memories and warns him that it will cause him great suffering. The protagonist insists on it so he can better help people.
-A virtual reality port set up in a decayed church with the protagonist on the altar. After he's hooked into the VR, (i.e. ritually sacrificed) he regains god-like reality warper powers.
-The person who causes much of this symbolism is called "Zen", which is the name of a form of Buddhism that emphasizes meditation. Buddhism in general regards life itself as suffering, which would include virtual life.
-The protagonist says that computer code lacks a "divine spark", in other words, a 'soul' and is therefore an illusion.
-Virtual Life is regarded as "hell" by at least one vandal who crossed out "bliss" on a Virtual Life poster and replaced it with "hell".
-Mr.Gold, the Virtual Life security chief, tries to tempt the protagonist with VR, which calls to mind Satan creating a false paradise that he can rule like a false god.
There a number of Fridge Logic points I'd like to bring up.
1. Despite the protagonist giving a speech about how VR is bad, neither he nor the other good guys seem to hate VR itself but the company behind it.
-The protagonist and his friend lost their wife and sister respectively. She was a hacker and killed for that reason.
-Another hero lost her husband to heart attack and she implies it was caused by the VR system.
-Zen herself points out that the heroes are fine using technology they claim to hate ("guns and computers") to fight Virtual Life.
2. Adam was wrongfully convicted of a crime, but the narration never states what crime he was convicted of. It feels like a plot device and further more his long time in VR is how he developed the powers he needed to bring down the people who convicted him. Why didn't they just shoot him? If he was trapped in their VR for twenty years they would have had ample opportunity.
3. The Protagonist was investigating a drug ring whose profits were being used to fund the VR. Why didn't they just charge a monthly subscription like everyone else? It feels like a Kick the Dog. Without this, what you have is a computer company defending itself against hackers and a self-admitted Luddite. They're overzealous to be sure but evil? The worst part is that the drug stuff is never mentioned after it's brought up the first time. Shouldn't stopping that have been part of their plan?
4. The only crime that Virtual Life (the program, not the company) is guilty of, is being too realistic, too useful, etc.
5. According to the heroes and the general landscape, the entire population of the city migrated to VR. Beyond the unlikelihood that absolutely everyone would make such a radical decision, wouldn't a sizable number of people need to stay outside for maintenance, power production, food production, etc. or are there a bunch of robots doing this for them off-screen? (Matrix!)
There's no resolution. It cuts off right after the climax. For something like "bringing down a virtual reality where the population has become so immersed the real world has decayed" I expect to see some aftermath.
Despite all this, I enjoyed reading it. It was only ten pages so it was a small time investment. It took me twice as long to write this review as to read the book.
Also, I didn't take it seriously. After the "crown of twisted metal" I stepped back and took this story apart like a Tv Toper. That made it fun.
There's a shape shifter duel in the climax. That was pretty cool.
CHARACTERS
The book is ten pages long so there's little room to develop anyone. I got some classic "For Great Justice" vibes from the protagonist but then he's overwritten by the Author Tract.
I get nothing from the other characters.
POLISH
No spelling or grammar problems.
The writing is pretty good. Like I said in the plot section, I enjoyed reading the book. The Fridge Logic is just that, questions that come up after you finish reading the story. If you focus on the here and now without tangential details, then it's a solid story. It's just too short to fully develop itself.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "Disconnect" a C+
Click here for the next review request: "Hy Brazil"
Click here for the previous review request: "Sheep's Clothing"
PLOT
In a nutshell, this story is like The Matrix and Neon Genesis Evangelion blended together and much shorter than either one.
From the start I'm reminded of Matrix; the first scene is the protagonist pulled out of Virtual Reality in a blind and helpless state, similar to Neo. The similarities continue to pile up from there.
-You have a small tech savvy group rebelling against a much larger organization that manages a virtual reality simulator which led to a city's decay because no one spends time outside the VR.
-This organization hunts the group with Men in Black
-The only way to stop them is with a special person who can use reality warper power to go to the machine's core and shut it down.
-At the core, this special guy talks to the bad guy in charge and makes a decision that involves his love interest.
There's so much background religious symbolism it's like watching Neon Genesis Evangelion.
-The protagonist's name is "Adam" which is the first human man according to Judeo-Christian tradition. In other words, "one" but there's a further implication. Biblical!Adam is part of the reason that humans don't live in earthly paradise and Virtual Life is held up as such a paradise by its creator company and many users.
-The protagonist says "welcome to the promised land" when he ejects everyone from the VR and into real life.
-A networker who wears a "blood red dress" puts a "crown of twisted metal" on the protagonist's head in order to restore his memories and warns him that it will cause him great suffering. The protagonist insists on it so he can better help people.
-A virtual reality port set up in a decayed church with the protagonist on the altar. After he's hooked into the VR, (i.e. ritually sacrificed) he regains god-like reality warper powers.
-The person who causes much of this symbolism is called "Zen", which is the name of a form of Buddhism that emphasizes meditation. Buddhism in general regards life itself as suffering, which would include virtual life.
-The protagonist says that computer code lacks a "divine spark", in other words, a 'soul' and is therefore an illusion.
-Virtual Life is regarded as "hell" by at least one vandal who crossed out "bliss" on a Virtual Life poster and replaced it with "hell".
-Mr.Gold, the Virtual Life security chief, tries to tempt the protagonist with VR, which calls to mind Satan creating a false paradise that he can rule like a false god.
There a number of Fridge Logic points I'd like to bring up.
1. Despite the protagonist giving a speech about how VR is bad, neither he nor the other good guys seem to hate VR itself but the company behind it.
-The protagonist and his friend lost their wife and sister respectively. She was a hacker and killed for that reason.
-Another hero lost her husband to heart attack and she implies it was caused by the VR system.
-Zen herself points out that the heroes are fine using technology they claim to hate ("guns and computers") to fight Virtual Life.
2. Adam was wrongfully convicted of a crime, but the narration never states what crime he was convicted of. It feels like a plot device and further more his long time in VR is how he developed the powers he needed to bring down the people who convicted him. Why didn't they just shoot him? If he was trapped in their VR for twenty years they would have had ample opportunity.
3. The Protagonist was investigating a drug ring whose profits were being used to fund the VR. Why didn't they just charge a monthly subscription like everyone else? It feels like a Kick the Dog. Without this, what you have is a computer company defending itself against hackers and a self-admitted Luddite. They're overzealous to be sure but evil? The worst part is that the drug stuff is never mentioned after it's brought up the first time. Shouldn't stopping that have been part of their plan?
4. The only crime that Virtual Life (the program, not the company) is guilty of, is being too realistic, too useful, etc.
5. According to the heroes and the general landscape, the entire population of the city migrated to VR. Beyond the unlikelihood that absolutely everyone would make such a radical decision, wouldn't a sizable number of people need to stay outside for maintenance, power production, food production, etc. or are there a bunch of robots doing this for them off-screen? (Matrix!)
There's no resolution. It cuts off right after the climax. For something like "bringing down a virtual reality where the population has become so immersed the real world has decayed" I expect to see some aftermath.
Despite all this, I enjoyed reading it. It was only ten pages so it was a small time investment. It took me twice as long to write this review as to read the book.
Also, I didn't take it seriously. After the "crown of twisted metal" I stepped back and took this story apart like a Tv Toper. That made it fun.
There's a shape shifter duel in the climax. That was pretty cool.
CHARACTERS
The book is ten pages long so there's little room to develop anyone. I got some classic "For Great Justice" vibes from the protagonist but then he's overwritten by the Author Tract.
I get nothing from the other characters.
POLISH
No spelling or grammar problems.
The writing is pretty good. Like I said in the plot section, I enjoyed reading the book. The Fridge Logic is just that, questions that come up after you finish reading the story. If you focus on the here and now without tangential details, then it's a solid story. It's just too short to fully develop itself.
Trickster Eric Novels gives "Disconnect" a C+
Click here for the next review request: "Hy Brazil"
Click here for the previous review request: "Sheep's Clothing"
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