Answering Review Request, "The Black, The White, and the Grinning Grey"

Jessica Reeves asked me to read her novel, "The Black, The White, and the Grinning Grey". It's about this girl who tumbles into a world of magi, and in doing so, sets in motion a prophecy that could lead to their arch enemy taking over. I will examine plot, character and polish, and then assign a grade.

PLOT

The opening to the story is vivid. It is dank, it is smelly, it is painful; in other words, an exemplary case of the merits of Show, Don't Tell, because it establishes the leading lady's state of mind in a way that no amount of talking about it ever could.

After this great opening, the plot that unfolds is basically an Apocalypse Maiden thing. A prophecy (called here a "prediction") says that this girl from another world will lead to the end of their world by assisting the Big Bad's rise to power. The first part of the plot is confirming whether or not this girl is the real deal.

There's a lot of interesting world building in this story. It has some basic building blocks that I am familiar with but on a whole is not quite something I have encountered before.
--->For instance, the "white, grey and black" are not social markers. They are magical markers. The colors of a mage's robe will change by itself during their initiation, and by other factors throughout their life until they die.  All apprentices wear brown robes, and during their graduation, the robe will change from solid brown to any color on a gradient of white-grey-black. The qualities of the white are basically Lawful and black is Chaotic; it's not "good" and "evil". There's a fascinating discussion between two mages about the distinction between "black magic" and "dark magic"; the latter of which can used by any color, including the white.
--->The system of magic appears to be a mix of elemental and emotional. That is, practitioners are better called "magical empaths" or "magical psychics" then the standard robe and wand wizard. I would have liked to see more details about that, and Medlar was in training for this sort of thing at one point but plot happened.

The plot is one of the two major disappointments of this book. It's not bad in the first half where Eleusis is investigating Medlar's past. That part makes sense and follows a good progression. Also, Callac's increasing exposure to the unique supernatural nature of Medlar contributes to the other half of the investigation coin. It's the second half that is really disappointing.
-->Callac's turning of the tide against the Crow in a battle that she's already won feels more plot device-y than awesome. The Heroic RROD afterward mitigates this but it's startling how unprepared the mages could be against someone who has been acknowledged as a dire threat for a long time. Also, if she's as powerful as all that, why does she need the help offered in "The Prediction?"
-->The way Medlar remains undetected for so long is also puzzling. All the magic college is searching for her and she evades them by hiding out on their roof. Did Eleusis' grandfather train her in magic and then seal those memories? I don't understand why there was such a delay. Did Medlar have to put up a certain amount of "pain energy" or something before returning?
--> The resolution at the climax feels like an Ass Pull, and again it is because of Medlar's inexplicably greater ability and the professional's inexplicable incompetence.
--> The real Medlar, the one that Medlar (Hazel) was pretending to be, is not explained well. The narration says "The real Medlar " and she starts talking with the two male leads as if they didn't realize this, or didn't know. Then she doesn't appear again. She feels like a plot device for providing a twist and exposition.

In a nutshell, the second half feels sparse.

Finally, there are some plot threads about the magic college and ruling council politics. Class tensions and political corruption; that sort of thing. They feel like hold overs from a previous draft because they're mentioned and then they disappear. They are briefly alluded to in a indirect fashion at the end when everyone takes off their robes and celebrates but that's it.

CHARACTERS

Medlar is set up well and develops well. Starting off she's like this frightened kitten and gradually connects to her new friends and new world. She's has a mischievous streak when not in an Iron Woobie mode. Then she disappears for much of the later half of the narrative and her characterization goes with it.

Eleusis is this stoic logic guy. He's kind of like Spock from Star Trek, if Spock were a magic user instead of a scientist. Watching his internal struggles was interesting because it was well crafted.

Callac doesn't have much to him. He's a nice guy but that's about it. He's in the middle of the spectrum of white-black.

Kephal makes a good contrast with Eleusis because she is more of a Chaotic Good to his Lawful Good. She makes a big impression for such a small role.

The Crowe, the Big Bad,  has little characterization. There's some Vain Sorceress in her background and hints of a Fallen Heroine past but that's it. She is not described physically in the book, which I feel is a cop out. Callac can't have an epic battle against a big blank. "Beyond madness" and a few details about her face is all the reader gets. This is a big weakness in the book because The Crowe is the lynch pin of the entire plot. There's so little to her that the plot itself is diminished.

POLISH

This is the worst of the three. There are problems with formatting, problems with spelling, problems with grammar. Numerous times there are missing words. There are more pages with these problems then there pages that do not have these problems.
Additionally, there many areas that feel rough or incomplete. Characterizations is sparse for all but a few characters, and those too feel it in the second half. There are many plot holes and many elements that don't feel fully established. There is a chapter that is only a paragraph long. All together, it reminds me of a first draft.

I imagine this book would be fantastic if it was fleshed out more and came to the attention of a proofreader. As it is, it is not.

Trickster Eric Novels gives "The Black, The White and the Grinning Grey" a D+

This has been a free review request. I received nothing in exchange except a free copy of the book.

Click here for the next review request: Alpha Hunter - Neurian Scriptures Book 1

Click here to read the previous review request: Hungry as a Wolf

Sassy Saturday: Tiza's First Mission

This here is another excerpt from Journey to Chaos book 1: A Mage's Power. Team Four has been assigned a mission to collect bird poop as a medical ingredient. Tiza demonstrates her boundless energy.
_____________________________________________________________

 “You two will never finish that way,” their mentor drawled. “Your teammate has the right idea.”

He marked his place, got up, and showed them.

Their teammate was bent over a bird nest and steadily scooping poop. She had the resident bird pinned with one hand and shoveled its waste with the other. Two levels of shit stirring created an awful cloud of stink. The boys held their noses, but Tiza worked unbothered. She already had one bottle filled. Basilard pointed to a nest with snapping little birds in it. Nolien looked from the nest to his sergeant in confusion and snobbery.

“You want me to stick my hand in there!?” Basilard nodded. “That's crazy!”

“It's part of the mission,” Basilard said. He held Nolien's gaze until the healer knelt down and reached into the nest.

“OWW!”

“Is there blood?” Basilard asked, pulling his book back out.

“No . . .”

“Then there's no problem,” Basilard said as he sat down.

“How come we don't get gloves for this?” Nolien complained. “Or shovels or nose plugs?”

“I bought these gloves myself,” Basilard said without looking up. “About the other two: the Guild subsidizes your room, board, equipment, and the supplies for their upkeep. You want specialized accessories too?” Nolien went back to collecting poop and cuts in silence.

Eric winced in sympathetic pain before glancing down at his own nest. The birds were sleeping. With any luck, he could reach in and grab the poop without waking them. If he had that kind of luck, he wouldn't be here in the first place. Just as he touched the poop, his hand brushed one of the birds. It awoke with a start. He screamed and furiously shook his hand, but it squeezed tighter.

“You're too timid!” Tiza grabbed the bird and pried its beak open. Eric sucked his thumb as Tiza returned the bird to its nest. “Pin with one hand, scoop with the other.” After pouring the poop into Eric's bottle, she shoved it into his chest. “Got it, Dimwit?” He nodded meekly. Tiza sighed in annoyance before going back to her own nest.

Nolien yelled as another bird bit him. “Having some problems, Tenderfoot?”

“Just razor beaks, milady,” Nolien called back. Tiza threw a glob of poop at him. He dodged.

“Nice to see the team bonding so soon,” Basilard muttered as he turned a page.

It was slow going, but with Tiza's method, Eric's bottles filled little by little. He gagged at both the touch and smell, but it was progress. Nolien didn't watch Tiza's demonstration so all he accomplished was angering the birds.

The team had arrived at midmorning and it was now early afternoon. Eric was tired, hungry, and somewhat nauseous. There was a reason Basilard told them not to eat breakfast. Tiza, on the other hand, worked steadily: pin, scoop, dump, repeat. Where does that girl get her energy?

“Wow, I didn't think any of you would finish this quickly,” Basilard said.

“It was nothing,” Tiza said with a falsely modest wave. “The boys are just squeamish. I thought only tents were like that.” Eric thought he saw Nolien twitch, but it could have been a bird pooping on him. “Not me! I can do anything!”

“Well then . . .” Basilard finally put his book away. “You should have energy left for training.”

“Bring it on!”

 Eric stared in amazement. Wherever she gets all that energy, I want it. He settled for lunch—right after he washed his hands.

_______________________________________________

Click here for the next Sassy Saturday post: Battle the Cecri!

Click here for the previous Sassy Saturday post: Meet Tiza Sprial

 

To learn more about Tiza and A Mage's Power, visit Tvtropes at http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Literature/AMagesPower.

A Mage's Power, and its sequel, Looming Shadow, are available for purchase at
http://amzn.to/10NsG2i

Brian Wilkerson is a freelance book reviewer, writing advice blogger and independent novelist. He studied at the University of Minnesota and came away with bachelor degrees in English Literature and History (Classical Mediterranean Period concentration).

Answering Review Request: Hungry as a Wolf

Elizabeth Einspanier requested that I read and review her weird (i.e. fantasy/horror) western story "Hungry as a Wolf". I have already reviewed the previous book, "Sheep's Clothing" and rated it highly. You can read that review here. I will assign plot, character and polish, and then assign a grade.

PLOT

This book is written from the 3rd person perspective. This is a change from the first book, which was 1st person, and so provides a different reading experience. I like them both but this method is my preference.

Here, Crowie Wolf has been hired by the owner of a mine to investigate the disappearance of the staff in the mine and whether or not it is connected to the mysterious disease that has come to the town. He is joined by locals like the sheriff and (unwillingly) by his employer's daughter.

I would liken this book to a mystery because it starts with Wolf investigating. He learns about the mine from letters sent by the people working there, he talks to the locals about the deaths, and then uses his extensive knowledge of the human and supernatural to create a working explanation of the problem.

I like the continuity nods. Wolf's sidekick from the previous book, Dr. Nathaniel Meadows, is mentioned by him and others a couple times, and Wolf's new demon horse used to belong to the villain of "Sheep's Clothing".

The romantic subplot feels just a little off to me because of how it starts. It's a Naked First Impression, which is typically a comedy or lighthearted story thing. This story is neither comedic nor lighthearted. Wolf's thoughts immediately afterward are unusually genre aware. This tiny genre shift is jarring. The rest is better.

I'd say the climax falls a little flat but only because the previous event overshadows it. That particular event feels more climactic and holds more plot threads, so the climax itself feels more like tying up loose ends.

The ending is good. It resolves the main conflict while segueing into new adventures and a new conflict. It's like a shifting of weight. It's a deft handling of plot threads.

CHARACTERS

This book does much to expand on Wolf's personality. "Sheep's Clothing", being a first person narrative by someone else, presented him as this grizzled and stoic frontier hunter. Here we see more sides of him, such as the true extent of his sorrow from the loss of his first love and also his social awkwardness. I wouldn't have called him "adorkable" in the first book, but here? Definitely.

Susannah is Wolf's love interest in this story. On Tvtropes, we would call her a Spirited Young Lady. Generally well bred and well mannered but also possessing a good deal of attitude and adventurous spirit. She joins the team of heroes by eavesdropping and hiding herself in their supplies. She does this to find her brother, who worked at the mine; an admirable trait. She also knows her way around a gun, and can stay as calm as any civilian would in a shoot out with zombies.

The villain of this piece makes few appearances. The first half of the book's plot is driven by the mystery and its conflict is split between Wolf's personal problems and a jerkass named MacReady who is prejudiced against Wolf for being half Native American. When Wolf encounters the villain of this piece, it plays out in a As Long As There Is Evil sort of way that reflects the troubled relationship between the Native Americans and the Europeans of the time.

POLISH

It looks good.I didn't see any problems with spelling or grammar. I'm impressed with anyone who gives their characters dialects and make it consistent.

Trickster Eric Novels gives "Hungry as a Wolf" a B+

This has been a free review request. I received nothing in exchange for it but a free copy of the review.
Click here to read the next review request: The Black, the White and the Grinning Grey

Click here to read the previous review request: Dragon Hunter

Sassy Saturday: Meet Tiza Sprial

This is my first Sassy Saturday post. Right here is Chapter 5 of Journey to Chaos book 1: A Mage's Power. It is the first appearance of Tiza Sprial, who is the tank teammate of my protagonist, Eric Watley.
____________________________________________

Basilard led the two young mages to another section. There, swords, pikes, axes, and maces stood next to metal staves. In a practice ring, a girl swung a moderate side-sword with great enthusiasm. She wore a tunic and pants with a belt to secure the byrnie chainmail poking out from underneath. Over her shoulders were two straps; one for a scabbard and another for a targe shield.

Her most distinctive trait was her hair: it was literally dirty blonde. As if dirt and grime were somehow braided into the hairs themselves, streaks of blonde/black ran in odd places. It fell below her ears and above her eyes; ragged and uneven. Her clothes were almost as dirty.

Feeling Eric's eyes, she stared back. “What!?”

“Now be nice, Cocoon.”

The woman next to her was middle-aged with shoulder-length blonde hair. Unlike the girl, there were no grime streaks. A one-piece dress fell to her ankles and her hands were stuffed in pockets. Eric couldn't see any weapon, but spiders crawled up her neck.

“Stop calling me that!” the girl said, pink cheeked. “My name is Tiza Sprial!”

“You're still my little Cocoon.”

Out of a sense of self-preservation, Eric bit his lip.

“Eric, Nolien meet . . .” Basilard glanced at the spider lady, who nodded. “. . . Tiza Sprial.”

“Pleased to meet you, Tiza,” Nolien said. She took pleasure in squeezing his hand. Nolien didn't wince, but Eric wasn't so stoic.

“I'll take over from here, Sathel,” Basilard said to the spider lady.

Locking eyes, she said with deadly severity. “Take good care of my Cocoon.”

“Daylra!”

“I will,” Basilard replied, equally grave. “Don't worry.”

“I'll be working in Rlawader for the indeterminate future,” she continued. “When I come back, I expect her whole and stronger.”

“I stake my sword on it.”

“Good.” Sathel noticeably softened and put a hand on Tiza's shoulder. “Basilard is your Daylra now, but I can still be your mentor . . . or . . . maybe—”

Tiza shrugged. “I'll call you 'Spider Daylra' and him 'Bloody Daylra.'” Sathel smiled, but it was bittersweet. She turned her back on the new team and walked out of Storage.

“Was that your mother?” Nolien asked Tiza.

“No, apprentice mentor,” Tiza said. “I have no idea who my mother is.”

“I . . . see . . .” Nolien said.

“Now that we're all together, why don't we get to know each other? I'll start. My name is Basilard Bladi and I am the sergeant of this team. I'm also your mentor in your respective fields. I like raw meat. I dislike control freaks. My hobbies are sparring and practicing bladicraft. I joined the Dragon's Lair because it's family tradition. My dream is to pass on this sword to my first born child.”

Nolien stiffened at the mention of primogeniture.

“Tiza, why don't you go next?”

“Fine. I'm Tiza Sprial and I'm the fighter of this team. My likes, dislikes, and hobbies are none of your business. I joined ‘cause Captain Blond Psycho noticed my amazing talent and begged me to.”

“I heard a different story,” Basilard said. “One where Lieutenant Jemas caught you picking his pocket and dragged you to the Guild to treat your many injuries.”

Tiza froze, then turned a burning glare on him. “When I become a paladin, she will recognize my talent! And so will everyone else!”

“Quite an ambitious young lady, aren't you?” Basilard remarked, not at all fazed by her outburst or her narrowed eyes.

“I'll do it no problem! Just wait and see!”

____________________________________________

Click here to read the next Sassy Saturday excerpt: Tiza's First Mission

To learn more about Tiza and A Mage's Power, visit Tvtropes at http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Literature/AMagesPower.

A Mage's Power, and its sequel, Looming Shadow, are available for purchase at
http://amzn.to/10NsG2i


Brian Wilkerson is a freelance book reviewer, writing advice blogger and independent novelist. He studied at the University of Minnesota and came away with bachelor degrees in English Literature and History (Classical Mediterranean Period concentration).

Free Promotion on a three year old book

I did a free promotion for A Mage's Power last weekend and the results pleased me. This book is approaching the three year old mark and I've heard that as time passes, book receive less attention. This past weekend proved that my first book can still attract a crowd given sufficient help.

I listed the free period at the Independent Author Network (I've been a member there for a while) and I also told my fellows at Clean Indie Readers (likewise). Finally, there were a couple of G+ groups that only list free books which I could finally post in. They were supportive, especially Clean Indie Reads. There was also "EBookDaily Free Kindle Books" which spotted my post and promoted it on its own. That was a nice surprise.

The results are as follows:
Total downloads: 928.
Highest ranks:
1. #238 in overall free
2. #2 in general Fantasy free
3. #8 in Sword and Sorcery.

Other exciting news: I didn't have any KUP (Kindle Unlimited Pages) for Looming Shadow over the weekend. On Monday, I had 902 and a sale. Perhaps new readers? I hope so!

Review Request: Dragon Hunter

Sammy Hajeer asked me to read his novel "Dragon Hunter". It is a medieval fantasy staring Nexus Scarlet, a dragon hunter turned dragon-hunter by Blue Fang, and their two pronged offensive against an evil prince and a demon lord. I will examine plot, characters and polish and then assign a grade.

PLOT

What we have here is a Take Over the World plot by Evil Prince Xaiver and Demon Lord Bol. In the first chapter they create a pact to help each other in their goals. There is also a broader conflict between humans and dragons as a whole. They're having trouble co-existing and seek to wipe the other out. The first conflict is the active plot while the second conflict  is more like context that influences and informs the plot. This is well done because both work together to tell the same story instead of competing for page space.


The rising action for the main plot is a gradual thing. First there's a routine mission to bring down hostile bear, who turns out to be a zombie. Then there's unexpected trouble with a zombie dragon that involves much higher stakes and an evolution to the next stage. This leads to a climatic battle between armies. It's a great sense of escalation.

This book is a shifting narrative; the focus shifts between characters. There could be as many as four of these (Scarlet, Gregory, Bluefang and Xavier). I don't find this obstructive because they are all the same story. Like the two main conflicts, they wrap around each other and support each other. It doesn't feel like different stories occurring parallel. In either case, the majority of the story is focused on Nexus so the divergents are small.

There's good world building in both in the scenic detail, the location and structure of the countries/communities and the workings of the three magic systems. There's even an amusing running gag about Rowana swords and how they compare to Cavallan craftsmanship.

I like the end and consider it a great ending. It is conclusive, it is fitting, it feels natural, and the epilogue provides an intriguing twist on one of the character's true nature.

CHARACTERS

The protagonist is Nexus Scarlet. She was born from a prostitute and raised by a single father mercenary. This made her into a snarky realist kind of hero. She is a perfect balance between the golden goodness of The Cape character archetype and the annoying angst of other heroines I've read with darker and more troubled backstories. When confronted with a problem, say, forcibly transformed into a humanoid creature with blue scales, wings and a tail, she is neither wangsty and despairing nor cheerful nor apathetic. She adapts with minimum fuss.

Bluefang is fun to read. She is a dragon renegade because of her mischievous streak, free spirited nature and affection of forbidden magic. Like Nexus she has an inner core of heroism which is covered in layers of whimsy, disrespect, independence.

Xavier is what you would called Laughably Evil. He has a flippant demeanor when he does his kin slaying and undead army leading. He also a funny habit of giving the people around him simple and/or silly nicknames because he can't bother to remember their real names. He's competent with a sword and presumably strategy/tactics as well but the reader sees less of that.

I can't finish this section without talking about Gregory. He is a mage (and many other academic professions) and his point of view is one reason why I don't mind when the narration shifts to his prospective. It is more academic than the others, both in the words he uses during narration (it's still 3rd person) and in the sentence structure. It's like he thinks in essays. He's also a badass bookworm who thinks nothing of entering a bad guy bar and requesting information from one of the thugs.

POLISH

On the whole, this story is good on polish. The scenes transition nicely, the battles are clear, there is no trouble telling who is speaking at any given time etc. However, there are a number of typos and/or grammar errors. I'd say the final count is about 6 across 289 pages.  There's also an occasion where I think the author confused one character for another. It involves the death of one of the characters so I don't want to mention it here. This is beyond what I normally dismiss as "human error" but given the unobtrusive nature of the errors and the general polished state elsewhere, I'm not going to mark down the grade.

Trickster Eric Novels gives "Dragon Hunter" by Sammy Hajeer an A+
Click here for the next review request: Hungry as a Wolf

Click here for the previous book review (that was not a request): Laddertop

This is a free review request. I received nothing in return for it except a free copy of the book.

Rabbit in Red spotlight!

I signed up for a spotlight event for another author in a Google Plus group. Enjoy!
_____________________________________
Gore without fear is like sex without love; you’ll squirm, but it’s better when your heart’s in it.
 

Distinguished Press is proud to launch Rabbit in Red, the first book in a horror mystery series by Joe Chianakas!

Synopsis:

Bill Wise has blood in his past, so he turns to horror films to wipe it clean. Jaime Stein has felt the betrayal of death, so she too takes refuge in the on-screen deaths of others. Now Bill, Jaime, and seventeen other horror-loving teens have gathered at Rabbit in Red Studios, the brainchild of eccentric horror producer Jay “JB” Bell, for the terror-filled, blood-drenched contest of their lives. 

JB has presented this competition as a race between the best of the best that will reward the winners with cash, internships, and a career making the movies they love. But things aren’t always as they seem at Rabbit in Red, and soon life starts to imitate art. Will Bill and Jaime be strong enough to confront real horror to save their friends, or will they all fall victim to JB’s twisted plans?
Excerpt:

This was the moment! He seized a knife that was on the kitchen floor and stabbed the hand—his own hand!—pinning it to the floor. He hesitated a moment, looking at this image in front of him. It was the strangest thing Bill could have imagined. There he was, on the floor of JB’s game chamber, but all around him he only saw the infamous cabin in the woods from The Evil Dead. And he had stabbed his own hand, but thankfully he felt no more than a sharp pinch. The knife was virtual, but the glove was real, and whatever technology JB programmed in it, the glove reacted in perfect real time to everything happening on screen.

He knew what he had to do next, and he was both excited and terrified at the idea. This was the epic moment with Ash in The Evil Dead. He had to cut off the possessed hand. That was the only way to get rid of the evil, to not become fully possessed. With his right hand pinned to the floor gushing out blood, Bill reached for the chainsaw that Ash had used earlier in the movie, which of course happened to be right next to him. Remembering this iconic scene from those younger memories when he and his friends cheered, Bill picked up the chainsaw with his left hand, bit on the cord and yanked it back with as much force as he could to start the gas-powered hacking device and brought it down on his right arm. The screeching noises, the loud mechanics of the saw, the crunching of bone, and the splattering of blood coalesced in a cacophony of noises, an orchestra of pain.

Bill cut off the hand.

 

 

 

 

 

“Because you were home,” Bill whispered. “No other reason than that they were home.” His body twitched for a moment, his saddest, darkest memory stinging him like a wasp that appeared out of nowhere. Shake it off. No time for that now.

Their screens flashed CORRECT and the bloody rabbit danced.

 

Buy links:https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/580373 (2.99)

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B015TOA1B4 (2.99)

About the author:

Joe Chianakas is a professor of communication at Illinois Central College in East Peoria, IL. He’s a super fan of horror and literature. Rabbit in Red is his first published novel. He likes writing in all sorts of genres from horror to traditional coming-of-age. In addition to teaching and writing, he enjoys fitness, martial arts, and traveling. You can find Joe online at www.joechianakas.com or www.facebook.com/chianakas/

 

 

Seeking Opinions: Cover Design for Mana Mutation Menace

I commissioned someone to create a cover for the third book in my Journey to Chaos series. It centers around a magical disease called "Mana Mutation", which turns people into monsters physically and/or mentally, and attempts by scientific mages to cure it. What do you think about this design?

Read for Fun: Laddertop

This is not a review request. I found Laddertop (Books 1 and 2 combo) at my local library and it sounded interesting. It's about these aliens called "The Givers" who gave Earth several space stations for collecting solar energy and mining the asteroid belt, but they can only be maintained by children.  Plot, character and polish.

PLOT

There are two plots running concurrently and this means two protagonists. Robbi and Azure are best friends and contrasting in their personalities. Robbi is accepted for a position in Laddertop and also receives mysterious dreams about giants and insects. Azure is rejected by SCAN despite being otherwise qualified and is scouted for an organization that researches the Laddertop instead of maintaining it. These two plot threads work well together because they reinforce each other. It's not just a "this thing over here is also happening but unrelated" or an "it's thematic" thing but both of them push the plot forward.

 

The world building is interesting stuff. For instance, because working at Laddertop means becoming an astronaut, the kids go through zero-gravity training and have to pass high academic standards. It is thus very competitive. Also, the Laddertops have radically altered Earth's energy market with a commercial talking about lucrative and environmentally friendly these machines are.

 

It's all great stuff until the ending. It's a cliffhanger. Absolutely nothing is resolved. It was frustrating to see all this great build up and world creation but to see nothing come of it. Perhaps the experience is different when reading the two books separately but this just feels cheap to me.

 

CHARACTERS

Robbi is a thoughtful girl. While her co-students are whizzing about randomly in a zero gravity sphere, she is holding still and figuring out how to move in such an environment most effectively.
She takes to living in space with a bunch of other kids she doesn't know and the strange dreams with grace. When told that she has to have a chip implanted in her head in order to control a robot monkey as part of her job, her response is "when your brain is funky, add a monkey."

 

Azure is a genki girl. She goes full throttle on everything, be it sports or Laddertop training. She's also reckless, even in dangerous situations like living on the moon. Fortunately for her, her thoughts move as fast as her feet and she takes advantage of the situation or minimizes the damage.

 

Other characters I am not fond of. Nine, for instance, comes across as a conflict ball character. She's belligerent to everyone, makes a fuss about the computer chip, and is easily manipulated into spying for a villain.

 

POLISH

The artwork looks good. It's not as beautiful as say, CLAMP, but it's still good.
 

Trickster Eric Novels gives "Laddertop (Books 1 and 2)" a C+


Click here for the previous book review (and also the previous request): "When They Shine Brightest"

Answering Review Request: "When They Shine Brightest"

Yordan Zhelyazkov asked me to read his novel "When they Shine Brightest". It is set in a stone age society that's vaguely Aztec in its culture and also has some minor fantasy elements. I will examine plot, character and polish and then assign a grade.

PLOT

The prologue is the last moments of a battle. It has gone badly for our protagonist, Korsak, and now he's trying to escape with the corpse of his son. The bulk of the rest of the book is the aftermath of this battle. They are in two parts; the immediate aftermath to six months, and then a full year afterward. This is marked by a subtitle at the start of each chapter saying "X days since the fall of Seten"  

 

The focus of the story jumps back and forth between the two of them, with the former shedding light on the circumstances of the latter as both progress. This has the effect of creating a Foregone Conclusion because the existence of the later plotline precludes anything developing in the former plotline. It also drags them both out because they are interrupted. For these two reasons, and because the two are only tangentially related, then as a reader, I would have preferred seeing them as two separate stories. (I don't give opinions as a writer because that's not my place.)
Both plotlines read like a family drama. There is child raising trouble, martial affairs, strained relationships with adult children etc. There is a another plot thread of a power struggle between the native religious leaders of Seten, the Mothers, and a foreign conqueror who also has a religious standing as "the vanguard". This causes trouble for Korsak and his family but its main function is to underscore and amplify the family drama. This only shifts for the climax.

 

The world building is nice. It is interesting. It is a mix of real life stuff and some home grown practices. Best of all, Mr. Zhelyazkov develops his world without using As You Know. Instead, he has his protagonist reflect and contemplate on this world and its culture, which serves the double purpose of developing him as well.

The climax is also great. It is a culmination of all the book's plot threads and has a number of nice twists. The ending is satisfying both in that it closes the book's conflict and opens future conflict; a sequel hook.

CHARACTERS

Arty is one of two main characters and she is my favorite character. She's cute. She's brave. She's resourceful. At once she is both child-like and wiser than one would expect a pre-teen to be. I don't mean this in the sense that she is stoic but that she is plucky. She gets scared and she cries at sad times but she keeps moving. She also becomes a Fluffy Tamer, which is cool.

Korsak is the second of two main characters and he is a conflicted and broken man. The Fall of Seten, and the results of its immediate aftermath have turned him into a mild death seeker. When the story begins he beseeches the gods to "reincarnate me already" because he's given up on himself and his world and his society.  Watching his internal struggle between religious devotee and despairing/angry apostate is quite interesting, as well as the choices he makes to preserve at least one part of his family.

It's interesting, on reflection, that there is no Big Bad in this story. It's not easy to create a true case of Grey and Grey morality that causes antagonists to look good from their own angles.

 Krul is the warlord who conquered Seten and now seeks to bend the Mothers to his will to increase his spiritual/political standing but he is without malice in the story. Indeed, he keeps saying about how much he wants to save everyone in Seten from something in the north east and is generally polite (if smug).  

The Mothers abuse Korsak as a scapegoat for the Fall of Seten, and allegedly caused the trouble with Krul. This makes them much less sympathetic but Krul is trying to obtain a dangerous item from them and has been conquering tribes for a long while. It's understandable that they would resist him.

POLISH

There were one or two grammar problems but considering this story was translated from Bulgarian into English I'd say it looks fantastic. I wouldn't have suspected if I wasn't told.

Trickster Eric Novels gives "When They Shine Brightest" a B

Click here to read the next review (which is not a request): Laddertop books 1-2 combo

Click here to read the previous review request: Burd the Abduction

Leave it to the Professionals

 

Mana Mutation Menace has been sent off to be prepared for publishing so I decided now was a good time to talk about all the work that goes into this preparation. Specifically, why this sort of thing should be left to professionals. Consider this post the answer to my earlier post "Editing, Professional Help or Not" and an extension of "The Importance of an Editor"

 

This is the third time I've worked with BZ Hercules Editing and Consulting. They're a cover-to-cover place that has some competitive prices. For the package I've selected, there's editing, proofreading, formatting, cover design, and then the social media launch.

Editing is the first thing that's needed. This is not just fixing spelling and grammar; that comes later. This is about consistency of nouns (people, places, things), flow of the story, major problems with spelling and grammar, paragraph intents and chapter settings. There could be more things that I don't know about or appreciate. Mana Mutation Menace needs this to tighten up. Although I am an author, my knowledge and application of the rules of written language is not perfect. That's why I need a professional to cover my oversights. There were literally "thousands" of errors in A Mage's Power because I made the same mistake on every page. Hopefully I have learned from my previous two experiences and created less trouble for her.

Proofreading is next. This should come after editing as a second check. No one can get all the errors in one pass (the author certainly can't). This is for checking all the stuff that was missed the first time and making sure the editing didn't introduce more problems. To save money, I tried to do just this on A Mage's Power for the second edition. It didn't work because there were more than just proofread level problems. For Looming Shadow, I hired a professional and I did not receive the same sort of "hire an editor!" feedback from both fans and critics. Thus, I made sure to order both editing and proofreading for the entire manuscript of Mana Mutation Menace to make it as clean as possible. It's not cheap by any means because the story is long (1.75 for proofreading and editing combo over 300 double spaced pages means paying for 600) but it's worth it to create a polished product.

 

 

Formatting is also involved. I don't understand this part at all. It has something to do with aligning stuff in the manuscript, maybe something HTML or other code thing. What I'm most concerned with is the Table of Contents. Creating that thing and linking each chapter title to the chapter it refers to would difficult I imagine. It's one more thing I leave to the professionals.

 

Cover Design is completely outside my craft but still necessary. I took an art class in college, and I took it pass/fail because otherwise it would have harmed my GPA. Yes, my technique was bad but my creative vision was good enough. Laura from IIPX photography created both of the covers for my first two books (Travis Pennington from Pro Book Covers did the first originally, and it looks amazing too). I'm looking forward to the third one.

The first edition of A Mage's Power is what my work would look like without a professional. You can see for yourself what readers thought about that: A Mage's Power. Incidentally, would you mind checking it out further? BZ Hercules made the current edition look better than its first.

Answering Review Request: Burd: The Abduction

Roy House asked me to read his novel "Burd: The Abduction". It is a science fiction comedy that focuses on a rooster man named "Burd" who was altered from a standard egg by aliens. I will examine plot, characters and polish, and then assign a grade.

PLOT

 

The book starts out good. There is this pair of aliens on a routine mission. Their dialogue is kinda fun, there is interesting, non intrusive (i.e. no "As You Know" stuff) world building, and Burd is created in a direct and effective manner.

 

The problem is one of tone. It starts off as this kooky Rule of Funny story but then tries to have a serious plot line without changing anything else.   

 

For instance, the aliens create Burd for fun ("you know, we've been talking about building a creature from all the leftover material from about a dozen experiments") and engage in Seinfeldian Conversation. Following this is Maria planning a "flaming bag of poop" prank in response to a perceived prank on herself and Viejo Jorge reminiscing on how his previous wife was a literal magic using witch because she would regularly drag him away from a bar after he drunk himself stupid.

 

The rest of the story is about Nazi (and not the wacky kind), Lizard Men that eat people, their conspiracy to turn WWII into a covert operation to abduct people for this reason  (i.e. the Holocaust victims), and the "Who" or the Gray aliens, have this prophecy of using Burd as a super soldier to beat the lizards. The fact that all of this comes up in the later parts of the story is jarring.

 

There isn't much of an initial conflict and so there is nothing driving the story forward. It's just a bunch of events happening. There is something interesting and dynamic brewing at the end, but that's the end. The beginning and middle is just "this stuff happened" sort of thing. The progression between makes sense but none of them are sufficiently developed. All of them would make for fine stories on their own but all of them are squished together in little more one hundred pages. I think that Mr.House is only scratching the surface of the potential with this plotline.

 

The Maria/Dusty/Jeff love triangle, for instance, is only present in three scenes and mentioned in passing a fourth time. Really there's hardly a love triangle at all because by the time it is set up, it is resolved and Jeff quickly becomes more interested in someone else. The circus is another. The group introduce themselves, get jobs, start advertising, and then a riot breaks out over a license to operate a hot air balloon which wrecks everything, gets the circus arrested and Burd on the run. Like the book itself, it's opened and closed without a main event.

 There is no satisfying ending. In fact, there is no ending at all. It's not even a cliffhanger. It's just some ominous words and the story stops. I don't understand the logic for it.  I imagine that book 2 will be much better because the conflict is established and will be further developed through its length. Book 1 is just introductions and random events.

There are some funny parts. Some clever moments. These are the gems of the story so I don't want to spoil them by listing them here.

CHARACTERS

The characters are pretty thin. I can't tell any of the Greys apart by their behavior, except for one because he is a defector from decadence. The Lizard Men are similar.

The Main characters, in my opinion, are not any better. Maria is a nice girl but beyond that there is little more than "talent as an aerialist".  Dusty is a standard cowboy in the teenage version.  Viejo Jorge is a Dirty Old Man who relies on Crosses The Line Twice for comedy. Jeff comes across to me as a walking conflict ball because he regularly acts like a jerk, the other mains have no reason to include him, and he's a sleeper agent through a complicated backstory.

POLISH

There is where the story losses the most points. There are a lot of grammar and formatting problems, and even some in vocabulary. Mr.House told me that he sent me the "cleaned up version" but the problems persist.  A non-exhaustive list:
1. Dialogue is lacking quotes on one end.
2. A character's thoughts are not set apart from narration. This makes it confusing for me to read and it is jarring to shift between narrator and character.
3. "Cannibal" is used in place of "Carnivore".
4. Chapter titles appear at the end of pages or the middle instead of the start of the next one. There is no uniformity to them.

It is hard for me to believe that this story was revised. It looks like a first draft.

Trickster Eric Novels gives "Burd" a D+ (I liked reading it but the quality is low)

Journey to Chaos Mana Mutation Menace Update

Yesterday, I made moderate changes to the climax to make sure it made sense; filled in plot holes, scratched headscratchers, and turned off the fridge logic.  Today I'll review those changes. Tomorrow, I'll revise the epilogue. This means that I could send the book out for proof reading as soon as Wednesday.

 

It is 18 chapters and (according to Microsoft Word) 337 pages long, including front and back matter. I'm including the preview of book 4 (name TBD) in the first edition of this book because adding it later was a hassle.

 

The professional will take about a month. This will also be the time that I get a cover image (it's a package deal and there's more besides!). At this rate, it will be in the final pre-publishing stages in late September. I will make final adjustments and put it on pre-order for a couple weeks while I arrange advertisement and get advanced reviews in order. Thus, the launch date will be around mid October.

Answering Review Request: Dead Star Frozen Magic

Gregory Mandarano asked me to read his novel "Dead Star: Frozen Magic". It's a medieval fantasy with both high level politics and magic. It's hard to classify because there are two plotlines with genre shifts. I will examine plot, characters and polish and then assign a grade.

PLOT

In general:

The flow of the plot is strange to me because of interweaving narratives and irregular pacing. The first three chapters are from three separate viewpoints in three different locations. Given the way that the first two end, I thought this was an anthology verse instead of a single story.  I had to check its listing on Amazon to confirm this was not the case,
 

There is a lot of information to get abreast of. There are the  names of noble houses, what they are like, their relations to each other, and where they are in the setting. There's the setting itself with its terms like "Eastern Realm" and "Western Realm" without any geologic reference point to what they are east or west of, I assumed  "Midgard" but I have no idea where that is in reference to anything else. 
There's also the significance of things like eye color and hair color; their importance to houses or ethnics or connection to "the Ancients".  There's the nature and status of magic in this world which shifts from "it's around and used" to "it was here but its dead/frozen" and "that's not magic but scientos!".
Having had too fun much fun creating my own fictional world, I can hardly blame Mr. Mandarano for going into detail for his own. On the contrary, I enjoyed the richness of the setting after I got over the learning curve.
 

The plot thread interweaving and shifting viewpoints are confusing at first because everyone is somewhere else and doing their own thing with their own cast. This exacerbates the problem of information and vast casts by multiplying them. However, once Axe and Clique and Collin join up, then the shifting becomes an advantage by showing different viewpoints on the same event with the same people but different circumstances for each viewer. This then becomes a enhancing effect because it compounds the reader's knowledge.

There is a total of six viewpoints but two are more prominent than the rest.

Now for the specific plot lines:  

1. Dead Star Rising

There is Havik who is in the far north gathering star metal for fame and fortune. In the process, he unleashes an "obsidian horror" in the form of a black ooze monster and this causes a Psychological Horror/Dwindling Party style plot. It is also In Media Res. His first chapter is near the end of his story and the rest of his chapters are all leading up to that until his final chapter, which shows what happens after that point. This caused me confusion, it's only tangentially related to the rest of the book and leads to foregone conclusion, which makes large stretches of it boring.

However, there is plenty in this plot thread that is not boring. For instance, there is interesting world building going in this plot thread. This is where the reader learns about the upper plot structure-the cosmic godly struggle thing-instead of the routine human politicking. Havik's mental unraveling is also well developed. He is confronted by the supernatural at every turn and yet he clings to Scientos and reason out of family pride, and yet, these very qualities lead me to believe in the supernatural.

I feel that this should have been its own separate book because it has little to do directly with the rest. It doesn't share any characters and is only useful for explaining where that "black stuff" that corrupts living things comes from but even this is only relevant after the peace summit plot thread which is several hundred pages in. I think it would have been a great companion book as a prologue.

The end for this plot thread is satisfying. I had a feeling something like it might happen because in this genre, that is the sort of conclusion that lends a final twist while remaining plausible.

2. Peace Summit

The Eastern Realm and the Western Realm are gathering at Stormfist Stronghold in Midgard for a peace summit. There is a lot to do about this and it occupies Clique, Collin and Axe for a good chunk of the story. There is political intrigue, "diabolical" plotting, and a good deal of poison going around in goblets and daggers. This is all interesting stuff and I liked watching it develop. The problem is that it goes nowhere.

The Black Seed Plague that Havik unleashed overtakes the narrative and the summit and its politics are never mentioned again. Thus, as good as it is (and it is very good!) in the end it feels like a plot device to gather the characters together.



3. Fresh Doom

A Black Seed Plague; an evil god trying to escape its prison; a supernatural disaster; a corrupted world tree; all of these threats come up over the course of the story. They are introduced and nothing more. This is because all of them come from the secondary plot thread of Havic. He does not resolve any of them and instead they supplant the Peace Summit. It is not resolved there and instead the book ends on a lesser cliffhanger.


CHARACTERS

This cast has Loads and Loads of Characters with no central protagonist or main cast so I will go into a couple at brief.
 

Axe Treefort is  The Cape and The Ace. He's like an in-universe gamebreaker because he can't be killed in anyway and he is skilled at anything he puts his mind to (except dancing). This means he rarely faces challenges so simply as "kill that guy". He has to do so with handicaps like hostages, or after performing a superhuman feat simply to reach his enemy, or his enemy has magic to counter his strength and skill.
He's a great guy and  a humble guy. One time he turns down a knighthood. He's in the Royal Huntsman For Great Justice.
 

Clique Gravious is a pragmatic anti-hero. He uses a scythe in combat, which is cool, but he notes that it is most useful in wide open areas and against large targets like cavalry. He also has something of a Spider Sense, which certainly comes in handy in this Cloak and Dagger setting, but because he is Incompletely Trained, it is not gamebreaking like his master's abilities would be.

Havik Davenport is an Agent Scully who is beaten over the head with scary magic and frightful corruption until he losses this status. He is a devoted worshipper of Scientos! He's also ambitious and cunning, playing mind games with a deity.

POLISH

I found two or so grammar problems. In 500 pages, that's impressive.

I had a problem rating this book and that problem is the pacing. Taken separately, I wouldn't have any trouble giving all three plot lines an A+, but they're not separate. They're interwoven. This throws off their pacing, creates foregone conclusions within the book, and drags out each one of them to make the story longer. Then one of them has a cliffhanger, yet that cliffhanger is mitigated by something that happens shortly before it and the book itself does not end on a cliffhanger.

Trickster Eric Novels gives Dead Star: Frozen Magic a B++ (This is unique at Trickster Eric Novels as a compromise with myself)

Starting the Post-Beta revision for Mana Mutation Menace

I feel good about this draft. After splitting it off of Looming Shadow, adding a new arc to its beginning, rewriting everything that followed to reflect the fact that it is a separate new book, checking the rewrites, and then receiving affirming and constructive feedback from beta readers,  I feel like this book is nearing completion.

 

Mana Mutation Menace was originally the second half of Looming Shadow. I had this different plot arc in mind when I wrote it that stated Ceiha would be the halfway point. To my surprise, the plot that I began the story with resolved itself halfway through. Something else took its place. The result was a single book with enough content and plotlines for two (or three). I struggle with myself about whether or not to  break it up. I didn't want to create a cliffhanger and my mind focused on this particular set of objectives that needed to be accomplished to follow the ultimate series outline and within the number of books I had planned. In the end, I worked something out and both books are much better for it. Both are more focused and more concise.

 

Because Mana Mutation Menace was part of Looming Shadow, it has been revised many times. The one I'm on right now is only the second time for itself but more like the seventh or so time in the total life of this WIP. As I re-read it now, I am pleased with what has finally emerged. The plot has taken a precise shape instead of my vague ideas. That's the issue with starting out a story; you have ideas and events for those ideas but you don't have the nuts and bolts. How it's going to happen in that bottom layer is a mystery and now I can see it shinning. It will still need to be polished by the proofreader but in terms of plot and the characters developing through the plot, I like it.  My beta readers have been helpful in bringing this about.

 

Ever since the disastrous first chapter of A Mage's Power, I have lived in fear of something making sense to me, the author, but baffling and/or alienating my readers. I spent much of my non-day job and non-sleeping hours doing something that involves this fictional universe. Some days I set on this metaphysical, logistical, philosophical or magical mechanical problem and work it out in a way that is consistent with the established Rules of the Verse (Magic A Is "and should stay" Magic A). Because of this, I may be blind to the perspective of someone less knowledgeable about his verse than myself (i.e. everyone). One of the benefits of beta reading is that someone can point this out. They can also point out plot weaknesses or character failings that I missed. In fact, one of the betas IDed two trouble spots that passed under my radar. Finally, they can tell me whether or not it's good or not. A basic level of fun, quality, enjoyment.

As of this post, I am on chapter 6 of 18.