I've posted the first chapter of Journey To Chaos Book 1: A Mage's Power on fiction press. I'll post another one every Wednesday starting tomorrow. If you like what what you've read here so far I think you'll enjoy it. Journey To Chaos part 1: Trickster Help Service, a fantasy fiction - FictionPress.com Please let tell me what you think.
This chapter is something of a relic as the first part was written before any of the mechanics of the Chaos Universe were created. Back then the fantasy elements would be downplayed; only Tasio pranking Eric under the guise of 'helping him'. The bulk of the book would be him causing comedic hijinks in Eric's daily life. Soon after his introduction, however, I realized two things: that formula could get old fast, and that it sounded like a sitcom. So I took a break for months to overhaul it and think about how magic would work if it were going to be 'real'.
Then I added a fantastical element (other than Tasio) to the first chapter and ended it with Eric traveling to Tariatla. I feel I've made the right choice. I've had a lot of fun writing the four book series (originally it was going to be a two book series) and I've inspired myself for other plots taking place in the same universe. It just keeps growing and growing and growing.
Having read the first two chapters of Journey To Chaos, I can see it promises to be an adventurous tale. The story didn’t grasp my attention right away as there seemed to be so much happening and, at first, I wasn’t sure who the main protagonist was. I assumed it was Tasio as we were following his actions but then entered the character Eric, whose life we soon start to follow allowing me to see that he was the main character and that it was his story.
ReplyDeleteWhen the story started, it was a little disorienting. It seemed to be moving fast and it seemed as if you had to pay attention to a lot of things that were happening in a short space of time. The story started to really grab my attention when Tasio started following Eric. The actions before this point didn’t grab my focus much. Although I found Tasio’s character rather amusing and fun, I didn’t like how he kept telling the readers about the characters. Like, how he said Eric was pathetic. I felt it would be good if the readers came to that conclusion for themselves. It almost felt as if the readers were being told how to feel about the characters. The characters actions already gave readers a sense of who the characters were so I felt the commentary from Tasio was unnecessary. Having said that, apart from Tasio’s commentary on the characters, I found him to be quite a delightful character. He does come across very much as a trickster, and he does seem rather untrustworthy, which tells me that Eric is in for quite a wild ride.
I found the world of Tariatla to be a rather magical place with some colourful characters. I found the second chapter to be more descriptive than the first chapter so it was easier to picture the scenes. It seems there could be a blossoming romance between Eric and Zaticana.
Along with story moving a little too fast in the first chapter, I also noticed a few errors as I was reading, which at times interrupted the smooth flow of the plot. I’ll list a few below. Corrections in brackets.
Chapter One:
"You're much more important to me than work(,)" the man said(.) "Now I have to run an errand for your mother. I'll be back by dinner."
"You are no longer in need of help, (") (t)he man smirked, "son." (To smirk is an action and not a tagline so it shouldn’t be used to separate the sentence. Perhaps replace ‘the man smirked’ with ‘the man said’. With the quotation mark being next to the word ‘the’ it seems as ‘the man smirked’ is actually part of the speech.
He snapped again and his clothing warped into stylized Renaissance under a traveler's cloak. (Perhaps add that he snapped his fingers, as it seems as if he snapped in anger. So, just add the word fingers: He snapped his fingers again...)
Tasio made an elegant bow(.) "Trickster by race, mind you, I'm actually a helpful guy." (I replaced the comma with a period as what precedes the dialogue tag isn’t a tagline but an action.)
The Trickster's eyes gain(ed) a malevolent gleam.
All he did was nod and say, "Yes(,) General Hanson," (Always add a comma when directly addressing characters.)
"Yes (,)sir(,)" Eric mumbled, head still down.
"Hey (,)Eric," (s)aid an attractive woman(.) "What's up?"
There’s a few other errors in chapters one and two, including sentences with missing words in one or two places.
Overall, it’s a fun story that has a lot of potential. It definitely seems as though there will be a lot in store for Eric. It’s been an enjoyable read so far.
You know, I was considering axing Tasio's commentary myself. I was thinking along the lines of 'unnecessary info' but your point of 'show, don't tell' is valid too. Thanks for the review!
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